Wednesday, April 03, 2013

blogging again...

hope everyone had a good Easter weekend. the weather was awesome here in okc. I'venot done a very good job keeping up with blogging this week. So I'm going to try and catch up tonight before bed. I've been going to a Nazarene church here locally near my house for the last 5 months. They have a traditional early service with a great choir and orchestra and the preaching is good, the place feels pretty sincere and real. But I'm not going there for good or anything but for now, it's really convenient so near. ha But last weekend I went back to my family's church and sat with the folks and in front of my sisters and their big families. after church lunch with everyone at my parents' place. great home cooking and conversation, told my bro in law and parents about applying for the job at a language school in AR, and a sister said she's still praying I get the college job.
 I am very used to my father and our relationship as an adult now. I do sometimes question why we aren't able to communicate better, was it me? is it him? etc etc.... I seem to be constantly gauging whether he isn't communicably open and interested in me or if I'm being too needy. if that makes sense. anyway there were two moments that stand out that I'll blog anonymously here about. before lunch as we're waiting for family to gather, (everyone goes home after church to change into comfy clothes before coming over to hang out all afternoon, ha), a nephew was there in the back room and chatting with my dad. I said I was going outside to look around and be right back. and my dad says "there's nothing much to see out there" and I dunno but I get the sense it's done in a sort of ridiculing way, critical or something, or as if he's trying to kid me in front of the nephew.. it's hard to explain here in writing actually. anyway, I turned around, as I am more confident now to confront dad in a sort of what are you trying to say dad way, and I say "well dad, what do YOU think I want to see outside?". and basically I'm trying to make the point that he and I both know that I'm going outside to see the garden in the back yard and what's growing out there so far etc etc. which I pretty much always do this time of year and during the summers . ( over the years I've given my parents different plants and such to put out in the backyard etc etc). So anyway, no big deal, but I gotta say I'm always a little bit too self aware when the whole family is together about trying to fit in as the one single guy and then all the spouses and kids and everyone there, And usually I just stay in the kitchen and play the role of old maid and clean up kitchen and put all the folding chairs and tables away and pick up stuff so that my parents don't have to do so much once everyone leaves...
well anyway, after lunch, I was in conversation with same nephew and my dad about the concrete he had poured out back in the new workshop ( this is the one I helped him get the siding up on during spring break). we're out there and checking it out inside, and I asked about a hole he knocked out in the back for a window or something... I asked him what it was for, .. and he says "what do you think it's for..." which bugs me because I feel like I'm just trying to make conversation and asking a normal question...I ask perhaps an AC unit, he says I forget what he said.., but at that point I was just saying okay okay.. and left cheerfully to back inside, but all the time I was saying to myself "cant' you just give me an f-ing straight answer?!?!?! " ha ha.. I was steamed privately inside. The moment was so clearly about him showing the shop to my nephew and what the heck was I there for? anyway. again it's hard to explain in writing. I can't even explain it clearly because my poor dad doesn't even realize it, I'm all affective intuitive aware relational sort, and he's not. if that helps explain it. ha anyway, sometimes when I call dad out on him giving a hard time about something , I actually feel bad because I don't think he's doing it on purpose it's just who he is. can drive me crazy. but alas.. .I love my folks so much and they're only getting older. I may have mentioned before my dad grew up on a farm and his side of the family weren't very close or anything, he is closest and only emotionally open and relational with mom. and thats about it, totally devoted to her. I think I've mentioned before too that my sister and I have sat in the same room listening to dad tell some story about growing up to my brother-in-law, as we look at each other, like we've never heard this before in our lives, why is he telling the bro in law?? so that might help explain it some. well enough of that. bored yet?
 Monday worked all day, went to gym earlier than usual so I could make a stock club meeting. it was only a bit awkward with the widow there and then the other older couple and me and the bank guy who heads our meetings. (this is the widow of the guy killed suddenly in a car crash a month ago). we had over $1000 built up in the fund since we haven't bought stock in a while and missed last months meeting and then this Mondays meeting we were all putting in our $50 for this month... so we talked forever and ever about what to invest in... finally deciding on a portfolio type fund, where they invest the money in certain companies. I forget all the language used to describe it now. anyway, it was either that or buy more phillips66 stock. ha the meeting ending sad with a discussion about what to do with the funds from her deceased husband and would we sell them off to give his kids (they were both remarried after previously being widowed before)or just tranfer them over to the widow. we decided to just keep them in the stock club and give them to her. And then she mentioned that when next fall approached she would not be able to come to late meetings because she can't drive in the dark (her husband always drove i guess). sad. I also found out that laser surgery can cause halo's at night around bright lights, and that there is a better eye surgery that air force pilots have to have , because if they get lasik they will be grounded. wow. so watch out if you've considered lasik, there is a much better way to do it. I forgot a lot since Monday, dang I should blog more often.
Tuesday of course was my day job and night job day. long day, went really well actually lots of rain, went to the college job and while doing my office hours, I found out another adjunct prof who also sit in there doing office hours before class like me, well he said he applied for the full time job also. YIKES, he's younger than me but I think a super teacher with experience at OU. I told him I applied too and laughed saying it's all good, God is in control and whatever's meant to be... and then we discussed like when would we find out about interviewing and all that... very cordially and then subject got changed. whew. awkward. ha
class went well other than half the class was gone, rain, sickness, i dunno what.
Today pretty much back to normal, classes going well enough. 2 boys were suspended for 10 days so that means most of my classes will be going a lot better with them gone. these are boys that just can't learn to shut up and do what they're told in class, be it talking, not doing work, usuing cell phone, annoying others, etc etc,.. all part of either learning to respond and respect authority or you're OUT. ha
this is where it gets real, 'cause we have just 2 months to get them all the English we can before the newcomer year is OVER and all classes next year are English and for credit. hmmm
went to gym tonight for back and shoulders, watched ABC shows Middle, and then turned it off until modern family came on.
  hope all are enjoying the week. lots an lots of rain here which I glad and thankful for. bring it on, more and more rain. I've been posting yesterday and today different songs on Fbook, like "shower me with your love" by surface, "can you stand the rain" by New Edition, and Jesus and Mary Chain "Happy when it Rains".. :)


rugbysex said...

i'm sorry that communication is strained. i have no doubt there's great love in your family but when we can't talk to one another, it can be very frustrating. thanks for sharing that with us because i'm SURE you're not alone.

Mike said...

Sounds like communication between my dad and I.

I think dad's just don't know how to be relatable - maybe it was their generation, war, etc.

james said...

Dan... I've read your post for several years now. I'm also a gay married (for society reasons) "dad' (55 yrs old). I can see myself talking to my children like that. I mean no disrespect and I love them dearly! I know your dad loves you. He's been there for you when your ranger needed fixing, when you remodled your bathroom, and I beleive when you had some plumbing leaks. I think it's a 'generation' thing. Hell, I CAN"T ever remember my dad telling me that he loved me!! Because of that memory, I try and tell my daughter that I love her, every time I see her. I think what you should do, is 'kidnap' your dad for a few hours. Take him for a ride in your truck out in the country side. Just you and him! Open up to him!! Have a heart to heart talk to him. Tell him how it feels when he talks to you the way he does. It might be hard for him to 'open' up... but maybe, just maybe, he might! You need to get this off your chest, before something in life happens, and you lose your dad for good!! Life goes by fast!!! Your a good man, and I know a good son!! Your dad is one lucky fellow to have raised someone like you!!! Good luck... and have that talk, before its too late!!!!

Mike said...

James said pretty much what I was going to say. The key is your statement that your dad "grew up on a farm and his side of the family weren't very close..." There was a certain culture, especially in the Midwest, and especially among those whose formative years were spent in the presidency of Calvin Coolidge, where manliness and silence were thought to be synonymous.

Kind of the same with my dad, only he could give a straight answer to a question, and almost always did. But the deep, heart to heart talks, we never had. Really I think it was my fault as much as his. So I really hope that you will do something to break the ice before you dad gets senile dementia, Alzheimers, etc. The long car ride seems like a good idea. I once took a 610 mile car ride with my dad, when I was 19, in the course of which he spoke maybe twice, and I said very little. You can do better than I did.