Sunday, January 18, 2009

Re-Arranger

I saw a pretty cool movie Friday night, "Happy-go-lucky". It was showing at the Oklahoma City Museum of Art. yup, that's right, I'm back in okc and getting out and finding things to do. ha. other than I went by myself. but, after sitting down, an ex-coworker came and sat down right by me, she had seen me come in and changed seats. This was the girl I went out with a few times a few years ago and then cut it off before she felt like I was leading her on or anything, just friends deal now although she's always saying let's get together and do this or that. so we enjoyed the film.
The film was about this British elem school teacher who is always in an awesome happy mood, and then through out the movie we see her actually having to get serious a few times and that she is actually smart and competent, as she deals with her students, friends, family, and driving school instructor. She's a really really cute character. super hot TALL guy in the movie at one point as a love interest.
I was thinking of how I have always been a huge romantic, and sort of my whole life always had that expectation of a girl falling head over hills for me, and us falling in love and etc etc. for some reason even in college when I never thought I'd be some gay guy, I fully planned to get married and have kids and maybe a little extra curricular guy fun on the side. which sounds so demented now but I just never saw the gay life as an option, just some extra male bonding now and then on the side, even now I'm into jo and oral and get no blood flow to my brother when considering intercourse with men. Anyway, all this to say that I was driving home from the movie trying to imagine falling in love with a guy and if it were possible. the whole alpha male thing, and who's giving into who and willing to give and take and all that, I mean emotionally, and how would I ever get over that competition thing that guys automatically have, sizing each other up and distinguishing who is a threat or not. I think there's a part of that in every guy.
and then I started thinking about man crushes I had in college, or obsessions I had over certain guys then or even now (this one coach I worked with at my last job is a favorite fallback character when in need of a fantasy.. but I digress), so anyway, I'm wondering what the difference is in a fascination and lust for a dude and then actually being in love with a dude.
THe whole guy/guy dynamic without being a gay thing is so beautiful, jsut that good ole non sex brotherly love manly bonding with guys. and then carrying that over into sex also maybe is what I'm thinking. the thing is I have this view of the sexes being completely different in every way, so there HAS to be some sort of different dynamic to the male male relationship compared to male/female. and I suppose I've read and seen and lived with so many beautiful loving male/female relationships that I still have a hankering for "where's mine" or "when's it my turn". in college I used to get looks from girls and easily find dates, but I"d always end it if they thought it was only going to get more serious when I was ready to get out as soon as they even began to think we were an ITEM.
what I've deciced overall this year, is to continue seeking God's will above all for my life this year, therefore if I can do so and feel completely in tune with HIM and at the same time a guy comes into my path to fall in love so be it. but I'm not exactly pursuing that fall in love with a guy just now, just taking it step by step we'll see what I can get going differently this time around in OKC.

by the way, I've been listening over and over to this song I found online and downloaded after school Friday, competely fun and awesome tune. I would link a youtuve clip but they are live performances or lame amateur videos. Do yourself a favor and just download the .99 single on itunes right now. "The Re-Arranger" by Mates of State.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Happy Sunday Dan,
I had no problem coming out when I knew I was gay when I was 13 or so.
Over the years I just never understood the conflict some guys go through with the whole admitting that they are Gay thing. But reading your blog and other blogs like" Small Step on the Other Side" I am beginning to understand a little better the stress & uncertainly it causes you.
Thanks for helping me understand a little better why some guys chose to be closeted.

Anonymous said...

If you want a romantic relationship of any kind you have to decide long before the first date to be emotionally available. Unless and until you do, you are going to be stuck right where you are now, and have been since puberty. Be careful not to mislabel your own fears as God’s will. God has given you freewill, which means you have freedom to explore make mistakes and learn from those mistakes. This could mean that you give yourself permission to talk to a qualified professional. It doesn’t mean your crazy, in fact, most anyone can benefit from talking with a knowledgeable person in confidence that you don’t know socially, like family or friends. So, no shame in seeking a little support, its like going to the gym for your brain, its an investment in yourself. Why not get a teaching job, or some other job, in the US with health benefits and get some professional counseling to help you break through this cycle of intimacy issues? Sooner is better than latter.

Tim said...

heh, it's funny listening to a christian lay everything at god's feet. Like I'll fall in love if god bothers to throw someone my way. What if the point was that you were suppose to be looking?
Personally I can't imagine a god that would care about anything that i might care about, or even a god that would be able to empathize with my needs. So the whole religion thing is pretty moot to me. I was raised church of christ but after serious thought and comparing religions it seemed to convenient that all the different religions have such striking similar bad characteristics as if the same flaw were being reveled over and over again because the basic tenets were all wrong.
Look at it this way, say you put together an ant farm, you loved your ants and you feed them and gave them food and you called them your ants. Would you tell you ants that if they didn't worship you they would all be burned up? What would the point be? even if there is a god, a god that's been strangely silent for 2000 odd years, would you want to worship a god that told the Israelites to stone gays? If he/she/it made us than wouldn't it care to have a slightly greater decency than to kill humans that didn't measure up to the gods expectations of normalcy?
All I'm saying is worry enough about being alone one day that you keep looking for someone male or female that will stick by you and make you happy.