Thursday, July 24, 2008

get wet already...

closet games...

yesterday I was feeling down at the gym, maybe cause it was leg day, ugh I hate leg day... well I had heard some news about our boss scheduling our return to the states and that he may not be cooperative in delaying my ticket.
I am trying to contact a TAX LAWYER now for some verification on my tax exemption.
I THOUGHT I had to stay out of the country for 330 days for the tax exemption and don't want to lose the money by going back early. However someone on base is telling me that you can go home, then leave again, just stay away for 330 days of the year.... so I'm confused and don't want to do the wrong thing.... either way I'm still traveling to Africa in October, although going home to turn in my gear first would mean not lugging it around europe.
well I was a bit down in the dumps while working out and I started thinking about the whole gay thing, and how I had some things to say to my dad, and how much I love my parents, and how hard it would be to stay over here another year away from my family.
oh yeah and on my personal blog I put up a pic of me with the drawings my niece and nephew sent me on the wall of my barracks, and I wrote how nice they were to hang up since I never had any children. I know, doesn't that sound defeatest, but also a sort of passive aggressive signal to the family that I'm probably never having kids.
I thought about the comments lately about the whole what is gay, and the masculinity issue, and how it's judged, and I wanted to tell readers, that if I was outed today here on base or back home, I wouldn't change much in my life. I'm comfortable with my masculinity, my body, my life, who I am, gay or not. i wouldn't suddenly be going out having a high time at gay bars. I'd probably just be a bit more honest when I traveled about where i went or who I saw maybe...? but I'm comfortable with the person I am right now, in or out of the closet.
I do post a lot about gay identity because I think it's a good discussion and I know i used to have a BIG fear of it in highschool and college what i'd be seen like and thought of, but I am already gelled now and really like who I am regardless.
main struggle here is just my identity by faith first, not by who I'm sleeping with. like I've said before.
I was just thinking of this fantasy last night where I'm having this big fabulous Christmas party in a great room in some new house (I bought the best handmade ornaments in India a few months ago), and I've invited all my family and friends, those from church and my gay friends, and the food is awesome, and people are mixing, and maybe I sit down at the piano and we sing some some carols. ANd then I thought how it'd be nice to have a prayer before the meal, and if I led that prayer how I'd want my wife holding my hand for confidence, and overall support throughout the event.
I guess it's hard to imagine some dude like that. I can't have it all but have to be one person not two or three. ha

i came for the rugs..

not really, what I love most about being here is time with the students. they are really so sweet and humble, and SO SO SO downtrodden. I assign sentences from a few vocab words every morning and there are always some written about the poor country, or state of destruction, or uncertainty about the future.... but what I love is their sense of humor the most and very very social talkative nature. anyway, this post is about the rugs. I figure it's a closet gay blog, why not post some pics of the rugs I've been buying while here. (i can't post on my personal blog cause many are gifts for the family so I'll just show off a few here instead. ha)

this rug is in the process of being finished, i gave this guy a photo of a tile floor I really liked in austin and he made a rug from it and I can't wait to get it home, it's going to be awesome.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

what's new....

well the guy leading church service on base has left, so I'm going to start going again tonight. the reason I quit was when this new guy started a few months ago, and basically everthing in the service was rote and written and read off a paper, including group readings, and then his sermon also read. I jsut couldnt' do it, I tried but after I saw the way this guy treated other people on base, I decided he didn't have the character of a worship leader. I've been listening to cd's of messages my sister has sent me in the meantime. This will only make sense to those readers who share my faith.
in other news.....I have been taking the protien shakes now for almost 3 weeks, every night. Have I noticed anything, not so much but I'd like to think my muscles feel a bit more strong, and my workouts continue to improve. I'm startying to look better like before when I'd be pumped up after the work out and think, why can't I look like this all the time. and now I'm starting to look like that in shape and all.
the strange thing is I can see my back,chst, shoulders, thaking shape and my arms growing definitely, but my weight is not going up at all, I'm actually less than I have been in a while. but my buds at the gym say that is cause I'm running everyday before my workouts. but i don't want to give up cardio. and since it's not about the number of how much i weigh but the shape I look, I'm not too worried ha.
I should be getting some creatine in the mail soon so I can bump out a bit of the current plateau I've hit. only for a month, I using that stuff but I want to get some extra hard workouts in before leaving this place.
ALso, things are looking up for another year here. at a LOT more pay. my roomie is wokring on a contract bid that we may not know about until Oct 1st for some reason, fiscal year something.
the better the news gets though, the more I can loosen up my travel budget this fall before returning to the US for a couple months (we'd be coming back here in jan). That way I can settle my house situation and sell my truck. today begins my thurs/fri weekend here.
also, any UK readers, do you know if the cell phone system there is the kind where you can purchase a SIM card for the phone and then jsut buy minutes? that is my plan while travelling this fall, I want to bring my cell phone from here with me.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Monday, July 21, 2008

what is typical gay, or does it matter....

the neverending fascination with putting myself in a gay box or not continues ... you know how I've posted before about my feelings about coming out and suddenly I'm lumped into a set group the rest of my life. when really the cay communiy is just as diverse if not more so than those who are not gay. I think for a lot guys in the closet is it's a lot comfortable there and not being put in a group that is seen somehow less masculine. true or not true?
well anyway, i came across this post by an old time favorite surfer blogger, and he touches on a lot of good points. what do you think, is the gay community limited? by coming out is one stuck to having only gay friends to hang out with, and endless night of bars and drama and finding the next person to sleep with? that probably just a gross stereotype, I know. But I know lots of gay guys who maybe at once embraced the gay community upon coming out, but at some point make friends with str8 people who surprise surprise don't care they are gay. ha
What about guys wanting to come out but just don't feel they care to try and "fit in" with a gay crowd... well I figure the more that come out, they're going to find they're own crowd
anyway, just thoughts....

Sunday, July 20, 2008

drink up and celebrate y'all!

happy birthday to me....

well another year goes by and I'm still unhitched to anyone of the male or female variety...
had an excellent day today, woke up, put on a tight OK GO concert t-shirt and some striped black pants and black converse hightops and proceeded with the day as usual.
I told my students of course, and then didn't bother mentioned to any of my fellow teaching staff til after school, and then after the gym, went with a few tech seargents and a major to a pizza place on base. lots of fun chilling and flirting with the female waitress from Nepal. yawn
i'm still counting down the days til end of September when I'll be getting out of here and on my way to Europe to kill 6 weeks for tax reasons before returning to the states in Nov. I bought a plane ticket to see friends in Africa for a week and a half during october, otherwise I'll be staying with a bud in London, and jumping around from there, definitely Barcelona at some point.
any tips on things to do and see????, and of course which gay bar to check out is appreciated for either city.
btw.... positive news on the opportunity with a different company for next january... contract is not dead yet, so possibly can come back for another year at twice the pay.. .ahh yeah. maybe, maybe not... we shall see...!
early to bed tonight , had a long day, and because driving on the flightline at the airport has been cancelled from now on we have to drive around the perimeter road with our body armour on each time we go back from our side to the other side... yuck to that.
ok well here goes to another closet year, until next summer when hopefully I've met just the right person to spend the rest of my life with somewhere out there... maybe.. or at least productive enough life making some difference in the meantime, God willing.