Tuesday, June 03, 2008

blah blah

i was chatting online with my sis tonight back in Oklahoma and talking about working out my abs for months and months here and how I'm getting in shape doing abs every single day for 6 months, anyway, she says at some point, "i want to find you a wife" since " you're in your prime". well regardless of my health or what shape I was struck with that feeling of facing reality when a loved one brings up finding a wife. my quick reply was, well good luck.

and then a change of subject ensued. of course. It's funny though because i was just lying in bed after work before draggin myself to the gym and thinking about how at some point I will probably have to admit something or another to my siblings and maybe parents. But what i was thinking was does that include my neice and nephews. It'd be sort of nice to NOT include them like forever or just let them catch on and let their parent relay it if it comes up. But it sort of makes me uncomfortable since I try to sort of want to be a good Christian encouraging uncle for them. and they are already fascinated that I travel and do what I want and they know I have strong beliefs and convictions about life etc.. THe same is true for the former students I keep in touch with when i taught at a missionary school overseas, all my former students are graduating college this year and at least 5 i seriously would have tried to attend if I'd been in the states. I like being that link to their Christian school days even though now they are sort of just enjoying life and finding out who they are regardless of past teaching of faith. anyway, so this blog is where I come to unload all these thoughts. Sorry if its just a bunch of crap whining, but these are the sort of things I consider. I know the kids and my family will love me regardless, I guess it's more about how I see myself really , or how I see them seeing me. (if that makes sense).

I also have realize that how I was raised seeing and thinking of a gay man, might be different than how someone sees a gay man today. Thing is even if I came out to anyone, so what, would I want to talk about it, or be set up with a guy, probably not.

I also wonder if I could just tell my family that I'm a confirmed bachelor, or that I've decided I'm not going to pursue getting married anymore, and then everyone just assumerwhatever without bring anything up about me being gay or not. I guess that's the whimpy way out. ha

I also think I'd have to start believing myself that the possibility is real of actually falling in love with someone I'd want to live with and express myself competely physically with, this thing they call sex. (a man, I'm talking about here) It's like I am not even considering coming out because I, myself, am not ok with the whole idea of it.

I know I'm happy as is for right now this point in life stuck overseas, but getting back to the states, I'm going to have number one, some physical needs, but also feeling the missing part again, I know I have SO MUCH love and faith and trust to give somebody. the gifts and things I'm going to be willing to give and do for someboday if I ever DO fall in love, I can't imagine.

well thanks for listening. this is what the closet blog is for, for me anyway, thinking this through putting it down in words and all.

11 comments:

B said...

You made me think what will I do when I reach that level later, because I'm still 18 years old and I simply CAN'T tell me parents neither my friends about my bisexuality (or gay I don't really know what is going around with me)...

And I know that my mom and dad will expect me to have wife and children but what if I fall in love with some man... OMG! What I'm thinking about...

Well, you really have nice blog and you give me hope and secutiry that there are some gay people who live normal life... I can't even imagine how my life will look like if some people knew what I am. This must remain secret :-(

Anonymous said...

There are MANY gay men who live their life with similar morals and values.
Just hard to find them online. ha
I encourage you to seek out progressive spiritual leaders when you return to the States and discuss these issues with them.

Fancy Pants said...

hey bud, what's your snail mail address? I have a book for ya. send it to me in an email . . . and no it's not some stupid self-help book. it's written by a guy who knew my uncle, whose story is amazing ... anyway, i need your address

Crap Newsman said...

You better concentrate more on the New Testament if you want to reconcile your faith with being a homo. If only the conservative idiots (i.e. Republicans) could realize this...

Anonymous said...

Dan,

The only way to make progress is to make a conscious decision not to let fear drive you into isolation. Learning to let others expectations of you mean less and less is apart of growing up and claiming your independence.

I also think you have the right to be left alone regarding the marriage comments from your family. I am sure they don’t mean any harm, but their comments sound like they are saying your life and accomplishments are not good enough. As if you are some how less of a person for being single. Whatever their intentions you should not have to face that over and over again.

It seems like a good idea for you to move to a city where you can be around other gay people openly without worry of being outed. Not necessarily so you can live some wild gay lifestyle, but rather where you can feel comfortable to explore a bit more. Maybe in your case it would be better to become more comfortable with your sexuality before coming out to the family.

Anonymous said...

You are not alone. Many of us have wrestled with all the issues you are working through. I also agree with the guy above, there are a lot of decent, moral, caring, normal guys out there. It is true, you just don't find them on line.

From my own experience, what I thought was powerless against what I felt. I could rationalize it all I wanted....but the moment I started to feel a real emotional connection to another man, I knew exactly what had to be done.

Good luck. Love the blog BTW.

Mike said...

I was thinking about your post about coming back and facing reality. I just wanted to say that is awesome you are sure your parents/family will still love you regardless. I'm sure I've told you that before. I also wanted to say that you sound a lot like me where we're more emotional/thinking/thoughtful and put others feelings before ours and we don't want others to be hurt by us. It's tough! :(

Jake Walsor said...

Danny dude,
My family members, cousins, aunties and everyone always talk about my marriage. I always go along with the conversation. I alo tell them that dont think I wil ever marry - or if I do, it will be after 40. They think that Im crazy. Then they talk about how it will be too late to have kids when Im that age. My answer? I will have kids before I marry. And cos my family is conservative - they think its stupid. But the weird thing is that when I tell my friends that I only want to marry after Im 40 – they think Im just wrong like that. Lol. Even my friends think its stupid.

You don’t have to tell your nieces and nephews that you are gay if you don’t want to. Remember I told you, you have no obligation to anyone to come out. And if you were straight, would you tell your nephew and nieces that you had a fetish. I don’t think so. Or if you were straight, would you tell them what positions you like during sex? I don’t think so. So, you don’t have to tell them that you are gay if you don’t want to.

I have little cousins (brothers and sisters ), nieces and nephews who look up to me. Its so great to hear them talk about me – they tell everyone that they want be like me and that I am their idol. I sometimes think what they will say if they know Im gay. But I don’t ever want to tell them. And I don’t have to. They don’t need to know ever. I love them and I am here for them. Only that matters and nothing else.

And like I said before, you don’t have to come out to be with the person you are in love with. You can be with the guy you are in love with forever and live a beautiful and great life together and for this you don’t have to come out. I am only 21, but I want to find my forever with someone ( a man). This whole thing with random hook ups don’t work for me. When its just sex – its not as good. I like having the feeling. I want to live my life with my knight in shining armor forever. And I don’t think I will ever come out.

And like you said, you have so much love, faith and trust to give to someone – that is very attractive in a man. Im sure there is a man out there, who will be in love with you and wont be able to live without you and what you have to offer will be enough for him.

So just keep safe and look after yourself in Kabul. And email me soon dude. Your nieces and nephews love you no matter what. They love you for you.

Bill said...

Danny Boy,

I started reading your blog on occasion a few months ago, and figured it is probably time to respond to your "dilemma."

I am like you in many ways (well, except for the fact that I am older, maybe not much wiser, and probably not nearly so abs-focused :-) ). But I am a southern, born again Christian who has always had gay leanings. Oh, and I am married and have three great children.

Like you, I have struggled to comes to terms with who I am, and what I want/expect/need out of life. I am also not confortable with homosexuality--not just because of religious upbringing or societal views, but because my own casual observations have told me that many (perhaps a majority) of out-and-proud gay men--even ones living in so-called progressive areas of the world--are not all that happy and content. And so I have chosen to be the best man, father and husband (and Christian) I can be.

Has this been easy? No. But, it's not always been hard either. There has been much joy and contentment. Has it been fair to my wife? Probably not always. But, I have been physically faithful even though my eyes and mind often wander and wonder.

I believe that everyone has desires that must be held in check if he/she wants to live honorably and successfully. Take the person who gets overwhelmed with road rage anytime someone cuts him off in traffic, or the teacher who wants to have an affair with her student, or the bank teller who has strong desires to expose himself at the local park...or the married, hetero businessman who wants to have sex with dozens of women who are not his wife. I realize that these may seem like odd analogies, but the point is that most of us make a conscious decision not to act on some of our strongest desires.

What is right for you? I can't say. But, I do think you are right to question how any choice will affect your strongly-held beliefs. I do think it is also possible for you to get married and have kids someday--assuming you find the right woman. It would be great if you could be totally honest with her about who you are, but this is not always realistic. I also think it is important for you to maintain close friendships with men who meet your needs for friendship and emotional intimacy. At least this has been an important component of my emotional sanity.

Regards,
Bill

Anonymous said...

Hey Dan,

I enjoy your blog when I read it. I also want to have an affair with the man who just wrote above. I don't see it happening though, which is of course not a bad thing. I want to have affairs with just about everyone.

Being single is a valid state in life, and you can simply tell your family your being called to consider life as a committed single. Let them do the research.

I enjoy your blog; I'll pray for you.

Adam said...

I know I shared some of your same thoughts, feelings, and questions for so long. In letting life lead me it was very easy to not have to deal with who I truly was, but became very difficult to deal with those thoughts, feelings, and questions the older I got. Until I got to a point where I said to myself that for my own happiness, integrity, and belief in G-d, I could no longer live a lie and be dishonest to myself or him. I grew tired and worn out from fighting it. For me, the older I got, the more crippling it became. Ultimately I feel like such a fool. Each of us are different and will value different things in our lives which will provide us with the happiness we need. Only you know what is best, and I have faith that you will make the right decisions for yourself when you are ready. Please just give yourself a chance to be who you are, and the person that G-d created you to be. Each of us deserve nothing less.