Tuesday, July 18, 2006

just me here

prolly most guys are just checking pics on here, but I'll be doing some random posts between the pics for a while, I want to get some thought s and ideas out, and writing them here helps me organize and situate my mind and what direction I'm going. and just maybe someone out there might even struggle with same or wonder the same things etc.... anyway since I added the over 18 warning yesterday.... I wanted to write down a few personal sex confessions.
I never usually climax with guys.
in fact I only have a few times, and its only when I'm jerking it and they are sort of patiently waiting. man that sucks. I am not sure what sort of hang up I am having. and although I'm pretty big size and guys always want to suck it, sometimes I can only take a bit of sucking before losing the erection some. I don't aggressively try to hook up with guys much because I figure I'll be pretty boring if they're wanting some big time. I really prefer just making out and stroking more than anything, and oral of course, although I can not really get into me rimming at all, just cant. I've never been topped, as they say, and have never really had sex with a guy other than a couple guys trying to take it in and then climaxing immediately, but I don't really like that either, with a girl it's a lot easier, smooth motion and rhythm ,and natural and just feels awesome. Also when considering meeting guys and stuff, I get all excited when the guy is making the move on me, starting up the conversation, or showing me a signal, or actually reaching down or grabbing a feel of something etc.. thats the part that gets me crazy, and the follow through is only hot hot hot is the guy is really hot, otherwise, I get all nervous and bored with the motions sometimes, i don't know, For some reason the most exciting part is the hunt more than the kill. if you know what I mean.
I am growing more concerned in figuring out what I want now that I'm over 30 and have really been checking out the gay thing ever since out of college. I realize that trying to keep everything in the closet has prolly hurt me most by not actively pursuing an actual relationship with any male, however I can't say that I've ever met one hot enough and in the same situation as me that I've ever fallen for or whatever. My thing with guys has remained pretty much a physical one, although in college I can say I prolly had some crushes on a few buds who I either had mesed around with, or guys who'd lead me to think they would.
I've had only 2 actual gf 's during college, and one serious 3 year gf after college which ended 2 years ago. I haven't really looked for another since I'm in to guys anyway and not ready to mix all that up with the way I more or less live my life as a non-gay person. what's tough is all my college buds are married and so I really am ready to start doing couple stuff with all of them, but I'm just one not a couple. I am beginning to play around with the idea again of going to str8 bars to meet a girl (or an actual hot guy my type), jsut to get out there , the guys at the gay bars are lame lame lame (in okc), sorry it's true.
I have some str8 buds to hang out with on weekends but they are all from my singles group (like my trainer)and none are drinkers so we don't hit any clubs or anything.


Nick Moretti said...

Wow... those are some pretty deep confessions you've thrown out there. But the fact that you shared them means that you thought seriously about them and know that you want to resolve the underlying issues. That is the hardest part. Now you just have to figure out how. I've had great success with therapy (given that you find and aggressive therapist and really work hard for the change). Everyone has sex issues at some point in their life. It comes down to finding out the problem behind it and resolving it or finding a partner that fits with the situation. Either of those options takes you being completely comfortable with who you are physically, emotionally and sexually. It's taken me many, many years to find what works for me sexually and once I was comfortable with my sexuality it just kept expanding and getting better. So good job in being honest and good luck in moving forward! ;-)

Steve said...

Yeah man, you seem to be going through some troublesome times. It sounds like you are feeling a little lonely and maybe going through some self evaluation to try and figure out how to fix that problem. Only you can figure out your sexuality, RJ does have a good point that you could talk to a therapist, if you want to take that avenue. The internet and blogs are probably not the best resource for those types of issues.. But it is good to just hear what anyone will say as well.. Good luck dude -

Anonymous said...

I think many guys have those issues when they are not comfortable with a partner. I have only been with a few guys, but i have experienced similar 'nervous' issues in the beginning. once you find someone you really like and get to know him, those 'nervous' things will likely resolve. and also, if you are kind of 'big', that will sometimes make a guy cum real quick if he isn't used to 'big'. my ex was very big and that used to happen to me often -- but once i got more used to it, then i could go for awhile and the rhythm felt GREAT! don't worry, it will all feel good eventually.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I linked to this post and replyed inside my blog, here. But I want to add something else. I agree with Mr. X above, maybe the reason why you don't enjoy the "kill" with guys is because you are missing the emotional part there. You seem to be a guy that lives things deeply, that interacts with his soul, no wonder that random sex wears you down. But don't overthink about it. For one, I don't enjoy being sucked myself too much. But that is not related to loneliness or not being able to love a nother man. It's just a thing.

Ah. One more thing. You wanted to try the gay life before going back to girls right? Well then do it to its full extent. Before saying that it doesn't satisfy you so "I might as well marry a girl and live an easier life", try to really get to know someone. Maybe it won't make any difference, maybe it will.