Thursday, November 02, 2017

Wednesday, November 01, 2017

dress up..............

tell it like it is.....

something sad that happened two weeks ago during fall break as I was busy grading nonstop is that a friend from high school lost his nephew suddenly on a Friday afternoon.  He was an 8th grader, the youngest of 3 boys and upcoming football quarterback star for the middle school in a small town southwest of OKC. I've known my friend since 4th grade from school and Cub Scouts (ha), super nice guy that still lives in our hometown, owns a garage, don't think he ever married, but he is all over social network over the years about his nephew, the older two as they went through highschool sports, he was always their biggest fan, super close family. 
There was an outpouring of love and support from many from my high school class, seeing as we all over the many years have follow the narrative of his posts of pride and love for his sister's kids.  He's also one of those guys who every morning will post a good morning have a good day, weekend is coming, sort of post that we all enjoy seeing and like.  Other than that he posts either classic sports cars he's working on or his nephews over the years.  It's always alarming when someone who had such light posts on social network suddenly posts something like "please pray. very bad news".... 
from some people you never know how exactly tragic or emergent something like that might be, but all of a sudden from this guy was alarming. we all prayed, of course.
It was an accident. The nephew was with friends riding an ATV and while doing so in a gravel parking lot, it flipped and killed him.  I researched ATV accidents and death among  kids upon hearing this, it's sad and I couldn't help to think how difficult it must be to let your kids do things, have fun, etc and how much you allow this or that or not. Parenting really has to be SO INTENTIONAL! I believe that. You can only do so much, what do I know? anyway...
last week the man next door down the hall from my office, the new hire I may have mentioned a while back when i was on the committee for hiring new faculty, he was one of the gay guys that got hired that I had 3 or 4 on my list and after working a year with him, I have to say is a super awesome professor.... well he wasn't on campus with classes cancelled on Tues and Wed.  He was back Thursday and I told him I'd been worried and had hoped he was okay etc.. he told me his son had died. sad sad. He was a gymnast in college, got married had kids, eventually divorced and came out etc, that story.  anyway, now he has a few young g kids from his daughter. He told me his son wasn't wearing a helmet and had a motorcycle accident.  accident.  I can't even imagine what to say because I don't have kids. but I know how I felt about it.
I'm of course in awe of anyone who has kids, envious I might even say that I never got to participate in the great experience of raising a kid, nor learn from it, all the stages of kids growing up in your care, the love given and shared, I dunno... I have a deep respect for it because of my regret no doubt. Well I thought that was also sad because I can only imagine, what my one big regret in life, imagine losing something you put your whole life into. or at least I like to think i would have, that I would have been very intentional in training and encouraging and accepting a child, like most people so all the things that I think may not have been right by me.  without having experienced I never got to learn why my parents raised us this way or doing this or not doing this. Perhaps more of my parents ways would have made more sense. I'll never know. ideas.
Thank you for the comments, one had asked if I'd ever come out yet these days to my family. no I haven't .  But when I mentioned the trip to Cuba the other day to my parents, their reaction of my father was the usual frown and why and what the heck for reaction.  I brooded over it a little while going home and realized I what I wanted was something a bit more encouraging or accepting, I rehearsed something along the lines of "I know it's not a place you would like to visit, but can't you just say 'that's our son, loves to travel! if it makes you happy, we're happy for you!' ha which I realize is probably selfish on my part, but I think I get that idea because some families seem to have that dynamic.  mine have always been more challenging and I'm okay with that, that can be a strength also, parents only want the best for children.  However as an adult, it seems like this is me, this is who I am, why be surprised when you know I love to travel. just support it and be happy for me.
Then of course I thought, well I'm a little sensitive anyway because deep down I harbor ideas that since I never married I've let them down long ago and nothing I can do otherwise will satisfy him ( i'll say him, it's my dad, not my mom really when I think about). And that's probably not true, my dad and mom are proud of me and things I've done and who I am and love me I know that. but my feeling are true also. I imagined  a sort of confrontational "Dad, no one could be more disappointed than myself that I wasn't able to marry and have a family. it's not easy being gay and Christian. and as lonely a life as I live, can't you act a little happier about the things that make me happy?!"  ha ha now I sound like a drama queen.  I was driving home thinking well maybe a nice written letter EVENTUALLY would be better.  I consider it cruel to just come out and say something like that to my folks because dad is a quiet farmer Brown type who doesn't get emotional with anyone, only my mom of course, which we sometimes hear about in bits of pieces (dad's real feelings about this or that).  I will say that my father and I are both a lot alike in always wanting to be right and we both know it all, of course. ha. it's his engineer personality that clashes with my humanities and education one. my mom was drawn to his quiet ways immediately, she'll say.  I find myself at the mercy of certain serious quiet people all the time, students, or men my age in the past, who i want to talk to, cheer up, say something interesting too, get them to speak back, share something too, be interested in ME! ha  I'm glad to be an adult and to be able to understand the whole introvert/extorvert thing better, i will say.
anyway, the answer is no, i'm not officially out, but I can't imagine that anyone in my family wouldn't have guessed it by now.  I would say the same to them as I would here on the blog, I've always hoped to be identified by my Faith first above all before my sexuality, as a person or family member, I don't get that from my family and that's okay, it's much more difficult to get that sort of admiration/respect from family because they know the real you.   You can speak some about what you believe to strangers with some effect.  With friends you can speak about your faith but must also show it in how you act around them, who you are.  with family it's how that faith is making a difference in your life over time. (that was from a men's conference tape I've been listening to).
today on my social media before leaving to work, I wrote "You can't find your way home by looking in the rear view mirror. Forgive others and forgive yourself. Move forward today!"  and it got a lot of likes and comments.  It's encouraging to me when I share like that and certain friends love it or like it, I always think it just the ones that "get" me. or "get" it. I'm still trying to figure out why before lunch when I checked back to social media and saw 24 likes and one share, I re read my post a few times and began to tear up. looked away, did something, and looked back online re read it and looked at the likes again and teared up as if I could cry there at my desk in my office.  It's the beauty of the truth that gets me emotional.  But I also think it's that forgiveness remains to be given, and that includes forgiving myself. moving forward!
I am moving forward, and just the small changes and things going on that are new this semester have me feeling good about the changes so far and direction I'm going.  I'm still not convinced about the new change in fostering this new cat though. ;) thanks for keeping up with the blog. Love those in your life daily, care for them, keep them safe, enjoy the time we have while here. cheers.

Sunday, October 29, 2017