Wednesday, November 15, 2017


I'd do fine in any marriage or relationship that I was into from the get go... I'd do fine with any pet too that I chose and selected and consciously pursued. I'd be more loyal than you might imagine, and loving, and dedicated, etc.. I'm a giver.  the cat I've been fostering was a stray I found and only fed it because I knew that's what my vet friend would want me to do, and I knew she is actively involved in adopting out cats etc...  I should have let her come over and trap it in the first place instead of just feeding it as an outdoor cat all summer until it was too big to really find a home for. I realize that now. it never grew on me and I never wanted to commit to 12 years or more with an animal.  But dont' think I haven't been completely supportive and loving to the stray. It's had only Iams cat food and it purrs anytime I'm around to pet it , also I play with it a lot, sometimes I'll run away or run at it, other times a sort of hide and seek. nothing more fun than surprising it when it comes to look for me and it jumps with its arms in the air. ha! It's been well fostered.
The good news is I found a home! A student who has a sister whose cat died a year ago, wants to give it to her as a gift. She says she's a real cat whisperer and will have my cat loving her in no time etc etc. plus she'll keep it as an indoor pet. which my vet friend was glad about. They want it after Thanksgiving break so hopefully all will run smoothly and the cat will have a new home. :)
that's the end of that.
I'm eating dinner after back from Cross fit. I decided I may not go anymore after November.  I have a dilemma . I REALLY don't like the music at times. Sometimes it's great 90's rock, current dance songs etc.. really motivating, what's not motivating is the expleicit lyrics that come on every now and then, I guess it's on shuffle.  lots of n word, or four letter words, or today something about look his balls?  the sound and tome of such songs is sort of just dark and angry and doesn't motivate me at all. . In fact, I can say I'm never in an environment where I hear a lot of strong language if you know what I mean. I kind of thought I'd get over it, but I'm not. and it's worth it to stop.I'm alwasy sort of wondering about the kids in there 4 or 5 year olds or whatever hanging around while parents work out. songs just play right on. great parenting. Basically I plan to sort of look around for other cross fit places, maybe sort fo ask around if they are explicit lyrics a lot or not, I dunno. I'm sure this sounds completely ridiculous to many of you who swear like a sailor day by day and think nothing of it in all your macho bravado feel like a man express yourself ways, fine fine. It's never been a part of me though so I'm withering. I love the people and the intense workouts. already my legs are building and butt, I can feel it. I love all the cardio etc..It's just how I feel. So I'm going to give it some more though, but at the end of November I might bail out. I dunno, maybe go back to doing workouts at Ymca after work and keep swimming laps.
I might also be motivated by the thought of handing over the $600 for 6 months. I might just pay $135 for December and then decide what I want to do.hmmm . Otherwise I have been pretty busy for a while now. Last Friday I was with a committee the entire day intervewing people for the position of dean of my department at work, my new boss ha.  4 by skype and one in person. there were 3 very strong guys that I'd love to work under, tow older and one about my age, alldifferent and with different strengths,/personality.  one thing interesting is that the one my age didn't have a tie on and with the awkward close up of sitting infront of his camera, you could see his unbuttoned dress shirt with his undershirt underneath and chest hair around his neck line. ha my boss who was on the committee wasn't impressed. oh come on! my boss commented that would he work well with upper administration etc blah blah. oh puhlease.... of the five, we almost sent 4 through for a second inteview as we were all going over our favorite 2 or 3 to send on.  I had to speak up about NOT sending 4 forward, because what was the point of us even being on a committee. if we just sent 4 and then the VP of academic affiars just picks the new dean? what was our point of weeding out just one of the candidates... if the 4th candidate ( with least votes) ends up getting hired, I'll know the whole commitee thing is just a big red tape ruse. ha!  I have faith though that one of our top three and hopefully my top two will get the job. :P
Saturday I got lots of laundry done, sat down to grade papers and got a text from my brother who lives south of OKC. He wanted help putting up a fence so I went over there around 11, after a trip to lowes for screws and pizza delivery for lunch that his wife called in, we got to work. He'd already had the poles cemented in so I helps get all the cedar wood panelled sections up and held still while he screwed them in etc.. good work.  he told me about going for a procedure this week where they were shoot two wires into his uretha near the prostate because he has trouble always going to the bathroom at night? something like that, apparently the same doctor my dad goes to, and my dad had been encouraged to have it done as well so now he's happy to wait and see how it goes for my brother and then reconsider. ha.  I'm no longer going for pizza lunch on Saturdays in town. i decided to sit out for a while and save the $12 each Saturday ( 7.50 for the lunch special and $5 into the online jukebox). I went over to S and B's Saturday night. they invited me over to eat some of the buffet food they had out, I wasn't clear why they were eating buffet style until I got there and saw that it was B's homecoming reunion with all his friends over for dinner. oops, i showed up in my house shoes and sweats and whatever long sleeve tshirt. ha ha. I walked in anyway and was nice and kept buddy S company a bit chatting him up in the kitchen. Sunday was put clothes away day and clean up and get the wreath stuff out from last year and a table set up in the front room to work on.
I'm not going to Cuba. decided to put traveling on hold till I get some things worked out. goals and such.  I am setting goals and putting ideas into action. I am pursuing enrolling in a night class next Spring for digital video editing ( profs can take class for free at my college). I am also thinking of saving up and getting a camera Canon SL2 is my decision so far. I like the idea of it taking photos and video. (Thus the no travelling for now and why I don't want to cough up $600 for 6 months to crossfit just now either.) I want to learn to edit my own videos and prepare content for online, basically all my summer time in the yard, I could share with the garden club. also I want to edit some videos for class etc blah blah. we'll see where it goes.  I am also going to take a floral design class at a college in okc. have always wanted to and want to move forth and just do it!
I have plans in February to go to Kansas City for a garden club winter meeting, and the following weekend I'm going to be in Wichita Falls for a Men's conference that is church related.  next semester going to be BUSY whew! however!! I plan to be teaching only 5 classes (15 hours) and not the 23 I am working this semester. Yes, less money but more time for living. please! :)
This week is going well, I've been doing morning swims, stayed late at work til 6pm to get things done for some classes and made it by the post office to drop a package in the mailbox.. and then today I followed through with leaving work a bit early so i could go by Precure off of Council rd to get some winter Kale they had smaller (affordable 1.19) and violas ( the smaller pansies that grow better/last longer). I'll plant them around the yard saturday. I also had time to go by Target before Crossfit and get my sister some $3 wooden chargers they had for holiday table settings.
this weekend I"ll be working on four classes of papers coming in to grade, the biggest paper of the semester, woot woot. but grading goes pretty smooth , as I tell me students, by now they make it very clear by the effort they put into their paper what grade they are happy with getting in my class. ;)
I also will be getting Christmas decor down from attic (YIKES) because I want to have 4 Christmas wreaths ready to bring to AR while I'm there over Thanksgiving break.  I gave all my siblings and parents one last year, so this year I'm making them for my friend T , the married couple i always stay with, my best bud J and his family, AND also the family that T and I stayed with in CO last May, they are coming to AR this year so I'll also make one for them to take back.  yes, holidays are coming!! how wonderful, can't wait for break! :P  cheers all have a good week, thanks for checking back to this long time going blog.


Tuesday, November 07, 2017

dan's favorites...

I love this and can grade to it forever.... I listened to this last fall 2016 for quite a while while at work in my office on my computer speakers. ha...up until the radio station website took it down. I found it again just this week while searching mixes by the same dj. yay! 28.00 on gets really interesting..... may not be for everyone, okay. ciao

Monday, November 06, 2017

Monday already............

feeling pretty miserable today. not physically just attitude. I'm cranky. the foster cat is getting on my nerves because of flea issues and just a lot of other things. man I'm really regretting not calling my vet friend over on DAY ONE when I noticed the thing crying out from the shrub between my house and the neighbors.  OR I should have asked the neighbor, is that your cat? and then let them feed it and make it their problem.  I was trying to the right thing, feed it and wait for my vet friend to eventually tell me where to take it to be adopted out.  But I failed.  Perhaps if i'd neglected it, it could have fed the native wildlife like a hawk or something? hmm
Don't get me wrong I'm very loving to the cat and keep it fed, I just never wanted it and the feeling hasn't gone away. alas!  but I'm also in a bad mood because I got 2 classes of papers in today and still have an online class to get through blah blah. sorry boring stuff. I'm not complaining, just explaining! promise! ha ha.
I actually had a pretty good day. taking advantage of daylight savings so that I'm in bed at 9 and up at 5ish to go swim laps at 530. AND i made it to cross fit after work, so my goal is to swim every morning and still go 4 days a week to cross fit.
oh I remembered another reason I felt cranky driving home. I think my trip to Cuba is going to be cancelled/postponed.... I mouthed about it last week to my vet friend while at cross fit ( she and her sister go 4 times a week also but sometime different times than me) and tonight she was asking about who i was going with, was it safe, and how about she go with me?  well I really just wanted to get away and go to a new place without worrying about a companion. ALSO since we dont' have a whole lot in common, I mean I want to see everything cultural and art and buildings and whatever details I find etc just discover! ahh what a way to travel. I love it! I eman sure I'd like a travel companion but like a friend or guy that we go out and discover a country together, if that makes sense? anyway. so it's off for now..
I made chocolate chip cookies tonight after dinner to snack on the dough, and then I'll bring a few to work for lunch the rest of the week. It's a pretty busy week because Friday instead of office hours all day I'll be on the committee interviewing prospective deans all day. 4 by skype and 1 in person.  We all reviewed the questions via email today and I gave my 2 cents, mainly editing the wording and which ones needed to be combined or could be left out.  I wasn't to secure about offering any questions to the mix, basically I'm all about them all having the same questions and then how their responses reveal about them etc. 
i also got an email about our English classes and what should we do about the students who write about traffiking or rape in the narrative essays.  Apparently some professors including part time would rather not read about such and/ or are confused about what to report or liability etc.  I suggested they should be reviewing /approving topics before the papers are written and I also suggested they put a statement on the assignment prompt page in the course along the lines of not choosing something too personal or violent, traumatic, or sexual in nature. something like that.. we're working on it. I felt appreciated being in on the loop on that one.
to bed to bed! shirt and tie and pants all ready for gym tomorrow so I can come home from swimming ready for work and just do breakfast. yay!  I plan to sty after my last class is over at 4pm and work in my office for a couple hours, getting home by say 6:30 after dark now with time change.
week off to a good start!

Thursday, November 02, 2017

Wednesday, November 01, 2017

dress up..............

tell it like it is.....

something sad that happened two weeks ago during fall break as I was busy grading nonstop is that a friend from high school lost his nephew suddenly on a Friday afternoon.  He was an 8th grader, the youngest of 3 boys and upcoming football quarterback star for the middle school in a small town southwest of OKC. I've known my friend since 4th grade from school and Cub Scouts (ha), super nice guy that still lives in our hometown, owns a garage, don't think he ever married, but he is all over social network over the years about his nephew, the older two as they went through highschool sports, he was always their biggest fan, super close family. 
There was an outpouring of love and support from many from my high school class, seeing as we all over the many years have follow the narrative of his posts of pride and love for his sister's kids.  He's also one of those guys who every morning will post a good morning have a good day, weekend is coming, sort of post that we all enjoy seeing and like.  Other than that he posts either classic sports cars he's working on or his nephews over the years.  It's always alarming when someone who had such light posts on social network suddenly posts something like "please pray. very bad news".... 
from some people you never know how exactly tragic or emergent something like that might be, but all of a sudden from this guy was alarming. we all prayed, of course.
It was an accident. The nephew was with friends riding an ATV and while doing so in a gravel parking lot, it flipped and killed him.  I researched ATV accidents and death among  kids upon hearing this, it's sad and I couldn't help to think how difficult it must be to let your kids do things, have fun, etc and how much you allow this or that or not. Parenting really has to be SO INTENTIONAL! I believe that. You can only do so much, what do I know? anyway...
last week the man next door down the hall from my office, the new hire I may have mentioned a while back when i was on the committee for hiring new faculty, he was one of the gay guys that got hired that I had 3 or 4 on my list and after working a year with him, I have to say is a super awesome professor.... well he wasn't on campus with classes cancelled on Tues and Wed.  He was back Thursday and I told him I'd been worried and had hoped he was okay etc.. he told me his son had died. sad sad. He was a gymnast in college, got married had kids, eventually divorced and came out etc, that story.  anyway, now he has a few young g kids from his daughter. He told me his son wasn't wearing a helmet and had a motorcycle accident.  accident.  I can't even imagine what to say because I don't have kids. but I know how I felt about it.
I'm of course in awe of anyone who has kids, envious I might even say that I never got to participate in the great experience of raising a kid, nor learn from it, all the stages of kids growing up in your care, the love given and shared, I dunno... I have a deep respect for it because of my regret no doubt. Well I thought that was also sad because I can only imagine, what my one big regret in life, imagine losing something you put your whole life into. or at least I like to think i would have, that I would have been very intentional in training and encouraging and accepting a child, like most people so all the things that I think may not have been right by me.  without having experienced I never got to learn why my parents raised us this way or doing this or not doing this. Perhaps more of my parents ways would have made more sense. I'll never know. ideas.
Thank you for the comments, one had asked if I'd ever come out yet these days to my family. no I haven't .  But when I mentioned the trip to Cuba the other day to my parents, their reaction of my father was the usual frown and why and what the heck for reaction.  I brooded over it a little while going home and realized I what I wanted was something a bit more encouraging or accepting, I rehearsed something along the lines of "I know it's not a place you would like to visit, but can't you just say 'that's our son, loves to travel! if it makes you happy, we're happy for you!' ha which I realize is probably selfish on my part, but I think I get that idea because some families seem to have that dynamic.  mine have always been more challenging and I'm okay with that, that can be a strength also, parents only want the best for children.  However as an adult, it seems like this is me, this is who I am, why be surprised when you know I love to travel. just support it and be happy for me.
Then of course I thought, well I'm a little sensitive anyway because deep down I harbor ideas that since I never married I've let them down long ago and nothing I can do otherwise will satisfy him ( i'll say him, it's my dad, not my mom really when I think about). And that's probably not true, my dad and mom are proud of me and things I've done and who I am and love me I know that. but my feeling are true also. I imagined  a sort of confrontational "Dad, no one could be more disappointed than myself that I wasn't able to marry and have a family. it's not easy being gay and Christian. and as lonely a life as I live, can't you act a little happier about the things that make me happy?!"  ha ha now I sound like a drama queen.  I was driving home thinking well maybe a nice written letter EVENTUALLY would be better.  I consider it cruel to just come out and say something like that to my folks because dad is a quiet farmer Brown type who doesn't get emotional with anyone, only my mom of course, which we sometimes hear about in bits of pieces (dad's real feelings about this or that).  I will say that my father and I are both a lot alike in always wanting to be right and we both know it all, of course. ha. it's his engineer personality that clashes with my humanities and education one. my mom was drawn to his quiet ways immediately, she'll say.  I find myself at the mercy of certain serious quiet people all the time, students, or men my age in the past, who i want to talk to, cheer up, say something interesting too, get them to speak back, share something too, be interested in ME! ha  I'm glad to be an adult and to be able to understand the whole introvert/extorvert thing better, i will say.
anyway, the answer is no, i'm not officially out, but I can't imagine that anyone in my family wouldn't have guessed it by now.  I would say the same to them as I would here on the blog, I've always hoped to be identified by my Faith first above all before my sexuality, as a person or family member, I don't get that from my family and that's okay, it's much more difficult to get that sort of admiration/respect from family because they know the real you.   You can speak some about what you believe to strangers with some effect.  With friends you can speak about your faith but must also show it in how you act around them, who you are.  with family it's how that faith is making a difference in your life over time. (that was from a men's conference tape I've been listening to).
today on my social media before leaving to work, I wrote "You can't find your way home by looking in the rear view mirror. Forgive others and forgive yourself. Move forward today!"  and it got a lot of likes and comments.  It's encouraging to me when I share like that and certain friends love it or like it, I always think it just the ones that "get" me. or "get" it. I'm still trying to figure out why before lunch when I checked back to social media and saw 24 likes and one share, I re read my post a few times and began to tear up. looked away, did something, and looked back online re read it and looked at the likes again and teared up as if I could cry there at my desk in my office.  It's the beauty of the truth that gets me emotional.  But I also think it's that forgiveness remains to be given, and that includes forgiving myself. moving forward!
I am moving forward, and just the small changes and things going on that are new this semester have me feeling good about the changes so far and direction I'm going.  I'm still not convinced about the new change in fostering this new cat though. ;) thanks for keeping up with the blog. Love those in your life daily, care for them, keep them safe, enjoy the time we have while here. cheers.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Thursday, October 26, 2017

post fall break.......

how is your fall? mine is chugging along here in OKC! as last weekend was fall break, I had all 7 of my classes' papers coming in for some reason and was grading every night last week and weekend blah blah.  the thing is if I could do a class a night I'd be okay, but I just can't. I either get distracted or just take a lot of breaks out of sheer boredom from reading paper after paper. ha
I'm coming up for air this week getting papers behind me, basically the papers all went back to classes this week and then the late papers came in so I had a handful to finish up this week blah blah.
    I'm still doing crossfit 3 times a week. I hope I last until end of November. that's when my 3 month trial is over and i have to decide to invest in another 6 months at a higher price. I think I'll go ahead and do it, but someitmes I really hate the kanye music or other expletive music the guy has in his song queue, but like as an adult I can get over it, but still , really?  It's pretty intense, it's basically working out and then running or rowing or something like that between sets.  and they are obsessed with power cleans . yanking the bar up to your chest, or above your head etc...  I can feel little muscles here and there kick in and take shape thought, legs are definitely doing better, going to have to start kicking it in with my shoulders next. whew.
   I'm trying to decide on a Cuba trip in jan before school starts back up. I think I have it figured out if I go from jan 9 to the 13, I can get a ticket from okc for around $400 or so round trip. that is pretty awesome, and then find a casa particular for $25 a night or more etc.. definitely doable and I've always wanted to see that country!! especially before there is a McDonalds and Starbucks on every corner, as they say....
 I stopped by Target after crossfit last night on the way home.  Where I'm going to crossfit is north of my house a few miles and so there a lot more options for on the way home places to stop this year. ha  well I ended up spending over $130 bucks! whoah, spending spree? ha  things I needed though and got while I was there able to get everything in one place. cat litter and food for the cat I'm still fostering, laundry detergent, cheese slices for sandwiches sack lunches for work, bags of candy for the trick or treaters next week (I bought some eraser packets and pencils on clearance also to put in the bowl. I plan to put ketchup packets and sugar and sweetener packets in there too as a sort of trick treat.), and then I kept putting a bunch of the $1 and $3 items in my cart at the front of the store where they had all this Christmas stuff out already. ha! whoosh! pay pay pay. but all with a purpose.
I actually noticed today online there is a Chip and Joanna Gaines Magnolia line at Target of Christmas items coming out on Nov 5th. (rolls eyes) but yeah I'll look for that here in a couple of weeks.
I'm thinking about shaving my head and beard next week. I thought it'd be fun to show up for work on Tuesday, Halloween, all clean shaven and with some black eyeliner and my black Bauhaus 'Bela lugosi's Dead' t shirt on with black jeans and big fat white doc martens. a sort of I dunno punk 80s alt look?  I'm thinking about it. I'm not sure if I want short short hair at Christmas, sure the grow would be back withing a month, on the other hand I really don't care and it would be fun to just show up and see what reation I got from my students on Tuesday, a bunch of great classes and they've ever seen me in a shirt and tie. ha! :)
  no other plans for next Tuesday other than my vet friend is coming over to hand out candy on the porch to kids with me like we've done before.  this weekend I can't wait to NOT have papers to grade and just clean up pick up around here and get things in order. also plant some bulbs outside even though i think it's supposed to cool down quite a it.  I have lunch plans at my usual pizza place, the guy that cut my hair last time plans to meet me there, i don't know if it's with or with out his husband, but they live near and are great nicer younger guys. ha

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

cheer and dance, yes................

from my graduate school here in OK. ha

Saturday, October 14, 2017

uniqlo fall.............

some online window shopping this morning.....was just checking on a favorite stop, Uniqlo. they have some Eames furniture on t shirts that I liked. The fish sweater of course caught my eye because I love anything fish, yet in Oklahoma there aren't too many days where you want to wear a lambswool sweater to work/indoors. the COLDEST of days perhaps. I also saw these two bags shown above, one is $20 and the other $40. They seem like good travel bags for an overnight or carry-on? I got a $20 one in green (they have black, grey, and navy too I think). I wanted to see if it goes with my Monocle/Porter luggage and also I want to give one to a college kid at my alma mater. The sweater and matching scarf though! man, I'm weak for matching things. happy fall weekend everyone.