Friday, July 15, 2016

summer moving along............

summer is running along nicely... the week after the 4th was pretty crazy for a short work week. I didn't get any papers graded after my friend left Monday and I just sat around and vegged and relaxed. Taught class Tuesday and told the students they'd get their papers back on Thursday, then went to the gym and such, came home and worked in the yard etc.  However what made my week so busy is I was on a hiring committee for 3 fulltime positions in my department. same as last summer when we filled 2 positions. this means I was back up on campus Wednesday at 12:30 and we did 4 interviews about an hour each with 15 minutes in between for us to list the pros and cons, THursday I taught class then went straight over to the building for 4 more interviews.. whew, and then Friday was back up on campus at 12 ready for 3 more interveiws. we had an hour break in between the 2nd and third so we just sat there talking and chatting, then the last candidate came in a spoke for about an hour and a half ughhh then we took another hour and half choosing our top picks.  I didn't get out of there until 6:20 or so and had to cancel meeting S and B and kid D for dinner in town.  by that time I was just ready to get home and relax in the yard and water my pots and stuff outside.
    I got frustrated at the end of the process because we all agreed mostly on who were the strongest and weakest candidates.  and at the end when we were about to send in what we agreed on the top 5, suddenly a couple women in the group (I was the only guy incidentally) went on about how sad that so and so was so nice to work with and he should be on the list moving forward. I tried to calmly make the point that he didn't excell in each and every area during the ingterview like the others had, but they were going on about how nervous he was and how great he was yadda yadda.   I agree he's a great guy and a great guy to work with and I wouldnt' mind working with the guy, it was just that there were 5 stronger better candidates ahead of him.  (plus he interviewed last year and I remember his same boring nervous interview last year whic wasn't good, AND he used a boring power point lesson which for the presentation part and it was same weakness this year, anyway).
     Well it was a tough choice otherwise because there were 5 very strong candidates and only 3 positions. alas!  my top 2 were a guy in PA who interviewed very strongly via Skype, a current adjunct who was just on point in everything, my next 2 top choices were both current adjuncts at my school, one an air force vet who was on point in everything she said and did in the interview and then the other adjunt who interviewed last and is a shoe in, more or less.  the other 2 were both current adjuncts, one i mentioned above and another I know from grad school , both gay incidentally which is a moot point , in fact so is the shoe in guy.  One thing I love about being on the committee is how black and white I can get after interviewing, it's in the evaluation and comparison that I develop a very clear choice on the strengths shown.  basically it's in the language they use speaking about students, a heart and understanding for students, a true int erest in teaching,  whether they actually use experiences from the classroom in answering questions,  and then the strength of the presentation.
       of course by 6:20 pm Friday I was like, whoever, I dont' care anymore, I want to leave the thing that bugged me most is I didn't want number 5 guy on the list, and here they were trying to add number 6 and even mentioned trading 6 for the guy from PA. no way!!! he was super strong in the interview and I really hope he gets it because it;d be great to have a new outsider in our dept.  I was thinking how interesting it was for the shoe in guy to say something about him and his "husband."  My growing up closet gay and never mentioning a hint of a word about it, for some reason always picks up on the normalcy. nothing wrong with it, I just notice it.
       I was thinking about my lesbian friend A the other day and how I've had conversations with her about her or her friends not trusting men, many who were abused in some way or another.  It makes me wonder if I have male trust issues. Something about my stoic quiet engineer father, and my 4 year older brother who i never got along with growing up, and then feeling not a part of the normal group since I wasn't athletic in high school.  on top of that the whole scared to death feeling of growing up closet gay.  It seems all I ever wondered about guys was if they were like me or not.  Even as a adult I try to stop myself from thinking whether someone is gay or not.  It's a very strange place to be in life as a single person who hasn't jumped off the fence and lived a straight life or a gay life either.  I just live my life.  Which is fine and great and all, but it's in the fitting in, and meeting people and befriending people that I think I get to thinking in circles too much about. well not sure if any of this makes sense, but I like writing about it because it helps me think about it.
   Thank goodness for dear sweet buddy S, the nicest guy you'll ever meet.  He's adjusting now from his single live alone life, to having a husband and the kid visiting all summer and people visiting and staying over. His husband wanting a second dog.  (I'm still adjusting to him having one dog, ha!).  I trust him completely. such a great friend. happy to have him.
     Last weekend I went over to their place for a while to see their new doors getting installed and watched a few shows on HGTV.  Sunday I hugn out at home, did some yard work, and wnt over to my folks' place to visit for awhile.  this week I had a great normal schedule of MON, WED, today OFF WORK! ha!! loving it.  and I've been up to the gym each morning swimming laps and either yoga or spin class.  plan to play in the yard more today and  run some errands. I need to find a digital converter so I can get antennae again and lose my cable bill.  have a good weekend, all!


Same Boat, Different Ocean said...

Dan - First time poster, long time reader. Thank you for your continued candid view into your life and thoughts.

When I read many of your thoughts they seems so similar to mine that they really resonate. I think of myself as a great fence sitter in the relationship world. Neither Gay nor straight, but just on the fence. The problem is that over time this fence has grown taller and taller. Now jumping off the fence seems risky. It's gotten so high. I am getting closer to thinking that I want off the fence but it's grown so comfortable.

I also share your Christian upbringing and faith and the resulting struggles with how to rationalize what I know are my attractions. Finally, I also have wondered how a strained relationship with my father growing up and a lack of close guy friends in the early years can be impacting me all these years later.

So please keep sharing. I appreciate seeing how you navigate this world and I hope we can find happiness - wherever that might take us.


James Dwight Williamson said...

Dan, I have decided in many cases, by the time we decide who to blame our chance for happiness in a relationship with anything other than a pet is over. Some rules -feel free to pick all or none- don't blame anyone dead or no longer in your life, don't blame dysfunctional family members, don't have all female friends, don't have male friendships that mimic a real relationship. Platonic versus intimate. Don't blame God or the fear of his judgement, which by the way is the only one that counts and probably won't happen for decades. Especially as healthy as you eat and as much as you exercise. It is OK to live alone. I just wonder though if what we are worried about is alienation from family and friends , why shouldn't we enjoy some of the benefits, like cuddling, fuck buddies and a million other things gay people or just plain people do? Your always fan, DW

thatguy said...

Man, I really feel you on the in-between life. Sometimes it feels like I'm not really one thing or the other, but like, I'm ok with that. It can be a bit lonely though.

Anonymous said...

Hey, Dan. I just discovered Storm Lefron, and a Google search for him led me to this blog. I was surprised when I saw where you are living, because I'm from Oklahoma too. I just got my undergraduate degree and am enrolled at OU to start grad school this fall. But I'm considering doing something else now, because I feel like I need a change of environment. Being gay in Oklahoma, especially if you're surrounded by homophobic family and/or friends, can be very difficult. A change of environment worked for James Baldwin, maybe it can work for me. Maybe you need a change of environment, too.