Friday, January 08, 2016

busy week.......

I started back teaching classes Monday this week. it's an intercession class where students come for 4.5 hours every day and get a full semester's credit for a class in 2 weeks. it's my first time, but I'm finding that I kind of love it since I have a go go go style of doing things.  plus I only have 9 students. I'm lucky that my Dean let the class make with that low number.  So basically each day is like 1.6 weeks' worth of classes.  they they turned in essay one on Tuesday, and essay 2 today. ha we're halfway done!
the actual semester begins the week after next on the 18th. I'm excited to get back to my daily schedule of teaching classes and gym time afterwards.  I have a reunion coming up this spring that will keep me motivated and going to gym daily... all my classes are full. next week during plan time after my morning class, I hope to get my resume updated and write out my philosophy on teaching and how I integrate Christianity into the classroom (I'm applying at a Christian college for a better paying job, I'm not qualified because they ask for a doctorate, but at least I'll get my name on their radar even if I'm not called in for an interview).  can't hurt to try!
although I have considered if I should be working at a Christian school. what with keeping up this soft porn blog about my somewhat closet single gay Christian life.  considering the college I currently work out wouldn't care a hill of beans about a professor's sexuality etc... but it's a state school with really awful funding, which is the case for everything in OK of course with oil so low. alas!
When I consider my faith, I always wonder why I'm not in it 100%, like if that's something that is keeping me from pursuing an all out homosexual sex life and relationship, then I really should be.  And then I think what if I'm just another self hating gay guy that can't stand being labeled as gay and everything society at the time I grew up said that implies about a man.  And so am I using my faith as a crutch to keep from having to come out to myself, comfortable enough to say well I'm not supposed to live a gay lifestyle according to my faith so of course I wouldnt' allow myself to be that guy...
nah, I really dont' believe that's what it is, but I had to consider.  I think I've just always considered that one should be defined by their faith first and foremost and that I never felt like I'd have much of a Christian witness if I were completely out and living with a man in that sort of relationship way. it's a lot to think about. living the way I do, I have to consider would I be any happier dating someone versus single.  I made a little point while at my sister's last week, a sort of passive aggressive statement since my sis had mentioned something a month before about it's still not too late for me to possibly get married and find a wife (!??!?!?!?). so I was making some sort of conversation and telling her and my bro in law how there was a lot more in the bible about living your life as Christian witness to others than there is about a man finding a wife, yet that's all fellow Christians thought was going to make your life complete, getting married!  I've entertained views of the church before as just one giant cult of getting everyone married and having sex and having kids. ha well anyway, that's more custom and social norms in the world which I think the bible has less to say about than about living one's life in general taking care of others and spreading the gospel. just my 2 cents.
but dont' think I'm some strange bah humbug person when it comes to relationships. I'm happiest with people and I'm a complete romantic sentimentalist at heart.  It's the growing up closet that has me trained to put on the "butch" non emotion in face of real feelings. feelings that might cause me to regret this or question that.
it's a great start to the new year! btw i swam laps each day this week and got 4 days to the gym. I missed Wed because of a dentist appointment check up.  Tuesady a friend came through town and stayed the night while on his way to Austin for a conference. he'll be back through Sunday night.
have a good weekend all!


James Dwight Williamson said...

Don't you ever think maybe gay men could use someone to witness to them. It is so much easier to witness to the converted. Also, at your age you have family members still in the dark? You are a masculine man but neither gayer or bullet proof lol. Life is short Dan, and it changes forever in the blink of an eye. Get busy!!!

Anonymous said...

I am not a Christian but feel Jesus' teachings are the best way to live one's life. I just am not able to accept the notion of a Supreme Being, a creator, a God. I feel that Nature is God. I try to follow what Jesus taught because I think that makes me a better person. As I understand it Jesus did not have very much to say about Homosexuals in the Holy Bible. And what he did say, if anything, has had two thousand years of misunderstanding, translation, political innuendo and so on to invalidate anything that might appear in the Bible.

But, if there is a Supreme Being, I am a product of that Being. I was created Gay and never chose to be Gay. In fact, before I decided to leave Christianity I would pray fervently for God to change me and not allow me to be Gay. That prayer was never answered. Should I assume God was Ok with me as I was? To those who say being Homosexual is a choice, I can only say, how stupid you are.

Find a partner, Dan. Be happy. Make a life for yourself that includes someone else. And follow your instincts about whether that person is a man or woman. Humans, it seems to me were meant to have a mate. If you believe in God and follow the teachings of Jesus I feel you can continue to do so and still have a partner of the same sex. It is simply your business and your business alone. Never mind what bigoted people will say or do. Ignore them and spend the rest of your life with someone you love. You deserve it. I have read your blog for a few years now and I know you are a good person. You deserve a partner. It will be a lucky man that wins that spot. Taking a partner in no way will affect your commitment to God. I believe that if there is a God he will want you to have a partner. Of course, most relationships exist to bear children but not all of them must exist for that reason. Many healthy relationships exist where having children are not possible. Think about it. And I believe all of those relationships are fine with God.

It took me forever to finally come out to my family but I am so pleased that I did. No one has had a single negative thing to say, nor acted in any way but supportive. Perhaps your time has come.

Best wishes to you, Dan

London Bear said...

I applaud your choice, Dan, and your faithfulness to God. You are right - there is so much more to life than being married with kids. But don't be persuaded by those who try to tell you that if God loves you he would want you to be happy with the partner of your choice. It doesn't work like that and a partner of either sex won't always bring you the security you may seek. Just carry on and 'Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added to you (Matt 6:33). In case you're wondering I am a Christian, gay, fitness fanatic too!

Anonymous said...

You really need to meet Matthew Vines up the road in Wichita, KS. A remarkable talented guy that might help you. If you are not familiar I suggest you google.

rambler0919 said...

I appreciate your sharing with us your thoughts and conflicts in trying to reconcile being Christian and gay. It resonates with me. I don't have any advice, but I have confidence that you will work it out for yourself, in your own time. Most of all I am drawn to your blog by your very openness in sharing this conflict with us. I am mostly a silent follower, but want you to know that I always catch up with you. I truly wish you well!

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.