Monday, January 12, 2015

break OVER......

someone asked if I still check myself, how gay I'm acting in public,...well I grew up closeted and fearful, so I have to learn NOT to check myself here in good ole OK< but I probably do out of habit. I am actually really awful at doing any sort of gay impersonation, ha, on the other hand I can get pretty expressive or high pitiched if I get all excited talking in a very comfortable crowd probably. I will say as I've grown up and more confident with me in general, gay or straight, I find myself talking about whatever i want and being as expressive as i want, but I'd like to think it's just being me not a gay me or straight me, just me, whatever. I think the big deal is that nowadays gay is seen as many different type of guys, although yeah stereotypes still exist of course.
But, for example, I was watching this movie "Revenge of the Nerds" last weekend which is full of so many dated stereotypes, the asian guy, the nerd guy, dumb jock guys, and the gay guy in the movie was some aerobics dancing, jazzercize dressed, effeminate kind of guy, there's a part where he's throwing a javelin designed to work with his limp wristed throwing style.... I mean seriously dated.  I always think of that movie "Heather's" where the big funny ironic punchline is where the two jocks kill themselves and the girls fake a letter that they were gay lovers and the dad says at the funeral "I love my dead gay son" or something like that.  I doubt that would be seen as some big joke irony today.  So little by little granted, but what with gay real world MV people included for so long on tv plus other tv shows, maybe Will and Grace a little bit, etc.. has helped somewhat.
I also like to think that maybe it's helped young guy kids to not feel like they have to over do the whole gay acting thing in the first place. I'm not saying it's all an act, but I know some guys who were more gay acting sort of passive aggressively while younger and when they got older , it was like just acting like normal guys.  In fact at bars I notice that in younger guys, sort of a stage I think in coming out and accepting. like I'm not that , I'm this, this is how I act if I'm this, or is it? etc etc. part of joining the team I guess. I don't know I'm just free flowing thinking here.
The point is, that at this point in life I'm not married and have no kids and feel like it's gotten past the point of people wondering who or if I'm dating or even care, thus it naturally flows to usual conversation or connecting on common interests in general.  I was telling my buddy S last weekend that if a student ever asked me in class if I were gay, I'd probably just try and shrug it off and say maybe I am, maybe I'm not, I thought it was obvious!  as a sort of half joke yet keep it ambiguous. ha ha! maybe it'd work, maybe not. hee hee.
You asked if I was dating anyone, no I'm not. Have i ever asked a guy out. yeah I think 10 years ago I asked someone out to the Lebanese festival and it turned out sort of awkward, the guy really just wanted sex pretty much, which happened less than a year after the date running into him online and hi asking me over, and I remember stipulating that I'd go over but only if I could stay the night. man I'm a demanding jerk. I remember making a guy shave once when he stayed over cuz it was like razor blades.. ha ha.
anyway, no I'm not dating, I dont' even know what that is.  since I got back from Kabbbulll, back in 09, I gave up the whole gym cruisy thing and online hook up thing, other than a few of previous guys I knew in okc.  I sort of felt like I wanted some sort of self respect of not getting naked with random dudes and told myself I was going to wait and meet and talk to people and date first etc etc. but that doesn't really happen in our community either I don't think. guys don't think with brains remember.
you asked if I've been messing around at all lately. no I haven't. ever since I think last Spring break 2014 I think, I went for a haircut from this one guy that I "know well" and he just so happened to have no plans after the cut and lived a block away go figure. And right afterwards, he was all about coming over the next morning when I was more in a mood, but when I left his place, I was so mad at myself for breaking my celibate streak that when I got home I texted him, no don't come over and keep my sunglasses (I accidentally left them on the floor of his bedroom, awkward! ha).
I was just telling the ex gf over break in AR that I'd stopped praying 2 years ago for a wife and kids and instead started to just pray for wisdom, and I told her, that whether I'm any wiser or not I'm still alone and it sucks. bless her heart, she's a good friend and would love to make it work with me, but no going from my end, not ever at all would I do it nor could I!
I 'guess this year 2015 I'm going to focus on what makes my heart go pitter pat and who could I see myself living with and falling
speaking of the heart going pitter pat, how about that Ramin Karimaloo guy below! man! or how about, I watched this movie on Netflix Sunday. (after I was flipping channels and came across Chris Klein in this made for tv awful lifetime movie called Damaged where he's a teacher that is seduced by a psychotic girl across the street who ends up getting him fired, kills his wife, has sex with him then throws him out, pulls a gun on him, and then when the police show up he has the gun by then and they all shoot him instead blah blah)  well so I was surprised to see Klein on tv in a movie and googled, and came across 2014 indie film called "authors anonymous" which was total cheeseball movie but a fun cute story and good ole smooth skin clark kent type Chris Klein. goodness!
still reading? well I got the week off to a great start getting back to work today, a little late, but we had a good meeting about the new book and I spoke to lots of fellow profs about my ideas for classes and tried to get all my office hours figured out. I have no classes on Fridays this semester but will have office hours all day Friday still. ha 9-12 and 1-3.  my goal is to get out of there by 330 every day and to the gym, except now I'm going to see if I can adjust it to 3 or 3:15 maybe because the lap swim is over at 3:45 at the nearer gym, and I like to get there and swim for 15-20 minutes as warm up before working out. first world problems as they say! I'm so thankful to have my dependable little Ranger, it's got such a kick to it when i pass on the highway getting to work in the morning. I also remain thankful for this job.  I'm off to bed early yawn and Zzzzzzzzz..  


Fat Dan said...

I love that you are checking to see if anyone is still reading towards the end. I was and did read the whole thing.

Anonymous said...

Appreciate your response to my questions.
I think you might be surprised.
There are some guys that are looking to just go out, date and not have sex.
I think you should give it another shot.

Anonymous said...

always enjoy reading your blog. I can relate to you (fellow okie, Christian, family values) I did the marriage and kid route but deep down a gay guy. Older than you by probably 10 years ( and 20 years older than the average age of the guys pics you post...) so a little bit different time growing up in oklahoma. anyway, keep at it. glad life is good. although nothing wrong with finding a friend with benefits.

d said...

You know, finding someone takes effort and energy especially if you're picky and feel or portrays that you're content with being by yourself. Like in any relationship, no one wants to date someone who's really not into it or on the other end of the spectrum: appears desperate. I used OKcupid and that worked out for me; been in a relation with my bf for over 3 years. Being in a relationship is hard work and yes, we do have or ups and downs. Some days I do want to call it quits and go have sex with anyone who's willing. Grindr and scruff, etc are for sex and there's nothing wrong with a friend with beni. I must admit, I sometimes don't read your post in it's entirely, but thanks for sharing. Wishing you a festive, fun, and an awesome boyfriend in 2015. Oh, there's also You can find people of similar interest in a group setting. Cheers, David