Tuesday, March 25, 2014

early spring.....

I was just wondering this last weekend. I have yet to ever meet Mr. right, which for me I guess has been some other closet Christian gay guy who doesn't want to have all the way sex.  And somewhere along the way I thought that not looking was the best way to just be found. but i live in the wrong town for that.  I was also talking to the ex gf last weekend about how sometimes I think whether I like myself too much, or if I don't like myself.  On the one hand I'm pretty happy go lucky type of guy and friendly and keep it a good mood all the time, and sometimes I think I'm too confident about my looks, or too self absorbed anyway, always constantly going to the gym etc. or maybe the gym thing is something about hanging onto youth. I dunno, but on the other hand I was thinking how what if I'm stuck with the ole "self hating gay" syndrome and somehow that's keeping me from being the real me, I mean gay or not, just the real me personality-wise.  And the mroe we talked about it, we discussed how I'm pretty much myself as it is these days working at the college and dressing how I want and talking to whoever about whatever etc.. just thoughts guys, don't want to sound like I'm complaining about anything here.
today I miess classes for a scheduled doctor appointment, a checkup required by my new job.  It went well. I'd experienced some painful ejaculation a few months ago for a while and was worried it was some awful thing, but the doc said my prostate seemed just fine and it might have been an infection. whatever. also I had my first EKG which was interesting. the nurse had me lie down and hooked me up to all these wires, then we were both laughing as she was doing the worst job tearing them off of me as the hair on my wrist and ankels would get stuck and her quick tear off became slow and terrible. just cracked me up really.  anyway, so then they drew blood and that was that.  One thing I found really curious was how they asked me if I'd been sexually active, and the next question was whether it was with male or female? I answered no and so we skipped the second question. I couldnt' help thinking, do guys really want that logged onto some computer forever kept on record, what sex they are sleeping with.  And I thought there was probably a time when you just told your doctor and he took whatever into consideration as needed.  And then I decided if I was ever asked I'd say both. or I'd say male which would mean wtih myself, I'm male. :P
anyway, I got home by 10 and finally ate breakfast, since I had to fast for the bloodwork. nice big breakfast with my favorite morning show hosts on, Kathie Lee and Hoda. left for work so i'd get there by 11, yet while pulling off the highway, I looked over to my passenger seat and realized I'd left my bag with papers and my lunch at home! UGH! so I got back on the highway and made the trip back and forth again, arriving around 11:40 to work after all. blah. I went back to my office and got a lot of papers graded today actually. and have been at it tonight. but i'm about to settle into bed with a book here in a minute.
So yeah, MON,WED,and FRI are kind of my favorite days lately since I like the COMP II classes a little more and also the one kid that I had last semester and this semester usually come by to visit. just to chat. hey I'll take what I can get. He's a good kid and I like cracking him up. And no I'm not crushing on him in anyway, that sort of thing is gross to me once I really get to know a kid and feel more like just wanting to have a good influence on him.  I've classically been more hot for guys anonymously that I didn't know, and then once get to really know someone it's like, no longer interested as all that. well anyway, not that he's not a cute student, he works out a lot and had shaved his mustache over break with just some fuzzy beard under his chin yet shaved. also he was wearing a nice t shirt that fit him right with the word Neff all over it. and while wearing his book bag, the straps of the bag were pulling into his underarms just so making the pecs show nicely. ha well anyway, maybe someone is noticing.
We had a discussion about our spring breaks, and the movie Donnie Darko came up and he was saying how it's a horror movie, and I was trying to convince him to see the film, and that it was science fiction not horror. ( and this guy is a HUGE walking dead fan so I don't know why that even bothers him).  btw readers, if you haven't seen Donnie Darko, and you like some science fiction drama in a film, see the FILM!! it's classic!!! check it out!!.  I brought up the film while talking about the Malaysian flight that went down. a sad tragedy! but we were talking about what ifs before it was found.
okay I have to get back to some papers, I'll be grading like madman again tomorrow night before Thursday's classes get 'em all back. And yup I could've done them all last week over break, but I'm like the king of procrastinating, living alone, I always think well I'll have nothing to do the night before, why not wait? ha
yesterday was chest day at the gym, and today was cardio only. swam laps and did treadmill. I need to focus on abs I decided. I missed gym last week, only made it for chest day Monday so I'll be feeling it this week getting back into schedule. I'm hoping to start including early morning lapswims soon but not til it warms up a bit in the morning! 

6 comments:

Mike said...

There's a lot of gay guys who don't go all the way, and stop at oral, or jack off.

I would have answered that doctor question the same way you did.

james said...

Dan BE CAREFUL on those questions!! I went to the doctor in Janauary, and they were reviewing my charts and said that I was a smoker. I said "NO, I'm NOT!" Somehow, back in Oct. The nurse input that I was a smoker. I told them to take that off my record. They said they couldn't, once it was there, it was there for life for the insurance companies to see. They did however, put a 'note' in there that the smoking thing was false! So what ever you answer, will be on your file forever!!

EX Frat Man said...

I'll "second" Mike's comment about "going all the way." There are a lot of us that don't "do" penetration. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't limit me at all ... it still all feels good, it is emotionally and physically satisfying. This whole I'm a "top" or a "bottom" thing going on in the gay world I think is just totally self-limiting and perpetuating a stereotype ... trying to fit gay sex into hetro-normative roles.

End of soapbox rant.

Dean Grey said...

Dan!

Well I've tried "not looking" and "looking" but am still alone.

As the years go on, I'm starting to lose more and more faith that I'll meet someone worthwhile in the gay community.

On a lighter note, Kathie Lee and Hoda RULE!!

-Dean

xavi said...

In my case I spent several years in "not looking" and a few years in "looking" state... I can tell you the former is OK but the latter is more fun :)

Honestly speaking, for years I said "bahh, I will not meet anyone nice in clubs or bars, the values I want I will not find them in those places". What really happened is that reality kicked me in my butt: I met the love of my life in one of "those" places, which was in another province 400 km away from my home while visiting a friend, and we've been together for 10 years now... bottom line: you can think and think and set preconceived ideas and odds for something to happen... someone/something (name it god, pure randomness) has the last word on it. Sure nothing is guaranteed, but anyway you need to get out, know people, make yourself open to the world.. I guess it is the only way... cheers!

Anonymous said...

I have never heard the term all the way sex. It seems me to any type of sex is fine if both partners agree. Also, as to finding Mr right, it is a fiction. Any person you meet will fall short of your expectations and you theirs. A relationship is something that grows over time. I have been together with my husband for 23 years and our relationship is still growing. If you wait for Mr Right you will have a long wait.