Wednesday, April 17, 2013

busy stormy

is this week FLYING by or is it just spring....Monday, I was gone all day, working late after school, then the gym downtown and then to a move job by 530 south OKC. extra $100 ching ching. home by 730 and a few hours to wind down before bed.  I spend a lot of my evenings online or watching tv, and half the time I am getting ready for the next morning, washing all the breakfast dishes for the next morning and laying out whatever clothes I plan to wear the next day.  I have to do all this the night before or I"m not getting out the door for nothing! ha, I can be like molasses in the morning trying to do everything and thinking I have enough time, and nope I never do....
After getting to bed Monday night, I was awaken suddenly around 2am by an earthquake.  Bascially it felt like something had fallen on my bed and I woke up in a sort of shock/defense mode. Living alone will do that to ya, So at the same time I am suddenly awake and wondering who's in my house and then feeling a bit of vibrations and realizing, oh, it's an earthquake....
so I open this laptop and post something on social media, and then try and go back to sleep.....not able to go to sleep so I surf the internet about half an hour more... then start checking out some sites and inspire me to do something I know will surely put me right back to sleep...etc
wake up 5am to the alarm and hit the snooze (I don't know why, but I have alarm set for 5 am, and then I always hit it twice and THEN get out of bed). while I'm going back to sleep, we have another earthquake hear in OKC!! the first was a sudden jolt, but this one is more of a rumbling rolling sort.
my heart doesn't race this time, I just note the fact and go back to sleep. ha
and thus I began my long work day Tuesday having missed about an hour or more sleep the night before....a good enough day, and the night class was awesome, although I'm down to about half of the original numbers enrolled.  I have 12 essays to grade now before next week. Today I made it back to my regular local gym work, and saw my buddy there ;).... sleeveless tshrit and baggy shorts as usall, sexy as usual, stuttering a bit as usual. and looking all right.... since I've got to know him better I don't see him jsut as a sex object you know how it goes, not that I don't still notice his bulge constantly but still he's a very nice guy and someone I enjoy chatting it up with between sets.
worked back today while it was getting darker and darker out, we had thunderstorms come through all afternoon and tonight here. a line of storms with possible tornadoes, which I don't know if we ever had any or not.  Something really annoying is when this happens you can't watch anything on regular tv.  none of my shows tonight! it was all weather news all night... so awful!!!  this is modern technology? that we can't detect a tornado and tell you when the threat is actually a real threat, and instead just show radars and colors and video of lightning and rain and clouds all night long so that each station can compete and fight to be the one that told you first there was s tornado coming to blow your house down!!!! ugh, so dumb!!! I mean all night long!!!!! no regular programming, and no tornados!!!
one thing about living in Oklahoma is we always talk about the weather. always! for one thing it always changes, not just day to day but during the day.  But also we are all completely trained in tornado terms by the endless subjection to speculation during tornado season, yes we even call it a season.
anyway, just 2 more days to go to the weekend, hurrah.  nice thunder and lightning coming through tonight. I love it. only thing that could make it more perfect is having someone here to be inside with.. 
I was thiniking abou my college buddies the other day and how I always thought surely one or two of them were gay, and now I get a little upset thinking, probably they were but got married anyway, at least one of them I'm sure of it!!! but what gets me down is thinking how I wish I'd done the same thing. just for the sake of having kids.  It's weird when you go to college and make some of the best friends in your life and feel llike a real part of the gang, one of the guys, totally accepted and fitting in, and then years later everyone is married and starting families and suddenly you dont' really fit in or feel like you're a part of the same crowd etc etc.. .I'm not saying I don't love getting together with everyone and such. I'm just saying there is a sort of left behind feeling.  
yes yes I know guys can marry and adopt and all that blah blah... I'm just saying sometimes I wish I'd taken that road, but I know I'm better off not putting a wife through that misery of living some great lie  blah blah....not leaving my mark on the world through offspring just gets me going sometimes and I'm better off accepting it and not thinking about it! phooey
I think i woudl have made a good dad though, I know if I'd been a parent I'd proabably be a better teacher as well. I don't know.  I think I'd make a pretty good husband to, a real part of the team.  I like to think I'm the kind of person who can throw his ideas out there and not always have to get his way, if that sounds like it makes sense. 
six weeks to summer and I am READY! :)


Mike said...

Earthquakes scare the crap out of me.

And BTW you need to go on an Alaska cruise with me at the end of May.

james said...

Dan... be glad your NOT married!! I'm gay and got married for 'society' reasons, 23 years ago. I also wanted a child. Thins were differant back then. The internet wasn't around! I didn't know that there were so many other men out there that felt the same way as me! If the net had been around then, and I knew then, what I know now.. my whole life would have been differant!! I'm stuck in a marriage. I dont want to hurt my wife, as I truely love her. But, I love men more!! I also love my daughter. Would I do the same thing over, jsut to have her, I really don't know!!! I think I woudl choose to be finally 'happy' in my life! Glad to hear that your human and jerk!! LOL Most men dont admit that!! LOL LOL

drew said...

You life is not done. You are still a young guy. I understand how you feel. I think most gays feel the same way. I think James makes some great points for you to consider. Hang in there!

rugbysex said...

it's never too late. not until they start shoveling the dirt on top of you. but love demands honesty...with yourself and your partner. we don't get everything we want in life. we have to decide WHAT we want the most and what we're willing to pay to get it. i just hope and pray you find someone to share ur life with because you have so very much to give.

love you professor!

Buddy Bear said...

Dan, like some of the others have said, you are sounding like your life decisions are "done" already. Not true! You are very young!

As you might know from reading my blog, I came out at 48 after 21 years of marriage and three (now mainly adult) children. I implore you never, EVER think you can get married to some young woman and try to live a "straight" life.

My coming out had a devastating impact on my wife which she is only now starting to recover from.

There are decent, nice guys out there who would be seeking a relationship with someone special like you (complete with children) but ONLY with someone who is honest about what he wants and needs.

I had to pass on numerous fantastic guys who are closeted ... I came out at enormous cost and won't be dragged back into the closet for anyone.

thatguy said...

Dan, I'm going through the same thing. All my closest friends are starting to have kids and it's strange. You're still close with them, but their priorities are (understandably) their wife and kids. But it feels like you don't have a place anywhere...