Sunday, November 25, 2012

shades of gay...

I came across two interesting reads this weekend, one about being gay in a fraternity, from EX-Frat blog here. The other was a website Heroic homo sex explaining the term frottage and why certain gay men were into only that. (both NSFW and the 2nd one you have to scroll down a bit to get to the question/answer part I thought was interesting.
 In the article about being gay in a fraternity, I'll say that I was in fraternity at a state college but only during my freshman year because my parents did not send me back for a second year and so instead I got "my grades back up" at a junior college in the city until they sent off to a small private Christian university in the next state over. I experienced a lot living in the Sig-Ep house, Sig Ep is another reason I like skull and crossbones btw, was our symbol. anyway, I was definitely definitely in the closet the entire time, even to myself. I remember dating girls and pairing up with sorority girls at parties, I remember twice taking home a sorority girl and then staying the night on the floor of my high school buddies who lived in the dorms. The thing about that is I could return to the house and my pledge brothers could think what they wanted. ha It's funny at the time I never would have expected another person in the house and yet years after college I've come across 3 of my pledge brothers online a gay site. well anyway, so in the article they talk about either coming out or not coming out. I see myself as the guy who was along the lines of thinking, whose business is it who I'm sleeping with, we're friends regardless. I remember certain older guys in the fraternity being unusually nice to me randomly or at parties and looking back I wonder if they suspected something in me or were closet themselves..
 I will also say that at the Christian college I attended, I had more of the experience of telling my closest friends and housemates and no one else. the guys I lived with the last few years in college. I've written about it before but basically I left some printed photos under a mattress when I moved back home and after returning my buddy to AR was confronted gently and privately by two of my former roommates, stating that they understood, everyone else we lived with knew about the pics, and all them loved me regardless etc etc. still I remember how angry I was at myself for being careless, this because I had not been prepared yet to let out that fact about myself! ha
anyway, years later one of the two guys that'd taken me out ends up married and gay and we've had a great friendship ever since. as I've had with most of those guys. So what a wonderful thing of Ex-frat man to say on his blog recently that he has no stories, because he's a gentleman. The truth is that if you are so obsessed with sex that it's all you want to talk about, definitely come out and find a group of gay guys who want the same, talk about sex and dicks constantly, none of them most likely are gentlemen, and most likely fall into a stereotype of being gay meaning everything has to be about being gay. FAIL. (btw I'm not talking about being gay and discussing taking a stand w/ gay rights and all that - hopefully you'll understand)
 As well as there are straight guys who like to talk about sex all the time but that's mostly bullcrap macho posturing. When I hung out with all my straight friends, sometimes the topic of hot girls came up or who was putting out or not etc, but hardly, in fact it was usually the topic of bands. ha . or some groups it was always sports. ha thing is the topic of sex came up with my straight friends in very private conversations. Even my buddy S in town and I used to have very private conversations about any action we were getting and that could probably bonded us more as closet gay friends. :) So my point here I think is that the decision to come out or not in a frat is your own. Yes it can be a very positive experience, I know of guys at the state school who came out in frats and stayed in the frat and it was very positive experience and the frat was proud of the diversity. However I would suggest it mainly to the guy that acts the same as the frat guys and has same interests other wth those guys beyond who he's in bed with.
also here I'll say my best bud in Austin did come out his 3rd year in college to his frat and was publicly humiliated at a party/function and was basically kicked out. I will say, he had become less closeted by going out to gay bars more and meeting guys and hanging out more outside the frat etc and let word get out without facing the issue head on himself and coming out first.  In his place I would have said possibly that if he was no longer interested in hanging with those guys, leave anyway. that was a pretty awful experience for him though.
okay now the other website about frottage, which I never really was clear the meaning. basically that means two guys facing each other and rubbing their privates together. which I pretty much had thought that's what it was based on video clips under that mysterious category. ha.. well the thing I like about his article is the point he makes about no one is a top or bottom or sub or dominant, it's just two guys facing each other and being intimate with another guy. Wherever you fit in the spectrum of gay, that is definitely one of them. I'm not saying it's mine. the only rubbing part. but I'm somewhere on that side of the spectrum of j/o and oral, but I've never wanted to have sex with a guy top or bottom. nope. It's interesting how you can think if you're gay you are supposed to just learn to like it. And my thought to that has always been, okay so it's natural to be gay but I have to train myself to like gay sex? never fit the bill for me... and there are a lot of tops out there that are like salesmen, it cracks me up how guys feed you a line forgetting, that hey dude I'm a guy too and have used same such lines. ha ha. , some guys always try to say you haven't been with the right guy, or I know how to do it right, etc dumb.
 well those are my thoughts, I hope I've kept it un-offensive and you can see that's just one point of view. I'm sure there are many opinions on whether someone should come out or not in a fraternity. The difference in the situation in the article is the guy knew before going in that he was gay, and that he found himself still always hanging and enjoying the company of his straight friends anyway. This is different than being already in the closet, even to yourself, and then wondering to come out or not.


Kelly said...

I was in fraternity in college as i was questioning or two of my brothers knew about me, but i would still hook up with girls to play the part... now some 15 years later I still keep in touch with a lot of my fact, 6 or 7 came to my wedding reception... and i married a man... the last couple years we have been hanging out with my straight frat brothers and their wives and it has been awesome... i am very fortunate that my brothers have accepted me and my husband and, well... i dunno.. i am very lucky... side note... i enjoy your blog very much...and I wish the best for you...(though I would like to see a picture of you... my mind wanders) just in case, this is Kelly from

Happy Holidays!!

EX Frat Man said...

bro, thanks.

as usual, a great and thought-provoking post. cheers!

Mike said...

I'm pretty vanilla with the things I like to do with a man. My BF and I are both on the jack off spectrum - he isn't into oral, but I am. We are more about the connection and bond I think - we feel a strong bond and there is a lot of excitement as we fondle/tease each other/explore each others dicks as we jack each other off.

Anonymous said...

HFF Bro! I went to a Big 10 University myself. Out of our chapter, I know of 10 who are gay.

Pookie said...

I've bottomed - once. Hated it. I've topped because my boyfriends liked it. My preference is mutual J/O or oral. The point is no one should be told what is normal or expected. Just as sexuality is a continuum so are preferred sexual acts - gay or straight.

Anonymous said...

My take: 1) I thought it was interesting that you mentioned your parents chose your college destinations, and later, the Christian college in NW AR. That would seem to be a very controlling aspect early in your life that led to maturity struggles. 2) FROC - I always knew I was gay, and the rubbing together was the first experimentation in my life around 8th grade. We didn't know what gay sex was all about, so the laying on top of each other naked and rubbing together was our normal. It was not until later I discovered there was more to m2m sex! 3) I was in a frat
(Sigma Chi)at a Big 12 school, and I was open, out, and never had a problem. Mildly teased in good spirit sometimes, but never hazed. And, there were several Bi/closeted guys in our frat, and in others in our IFC. Guess it just depends on the schoo/location. 4) I think everyone should act as gentleman and be well mannered. I know all about nelly gay guys, but I find that is a subculture. As with anything, you can pick and chose who your company is and I don't have time for guys acting like girls. I am out and gay, but I'm also a white collar professional that works for a major corporation. My collegues know I have a partner of 12 years, and I have never felt the least bit out of place or discrimated against. 5) My only issue is with guys marrying a woman, fooling around with guys on the side claiming they are bi. I have no respect for those kind of guys when I meet them in person. That's my big hang-up. Right or wrong, it's how I feel. But I know that is also a subculture. To me, you are either gay or straight. Aside from 'fooling around' or 'experimenting' at some point in life, I find it to be a pile of crap and I have no respect at all for the 'bi' married guy syndrome.

Anonymous said...

Guess it might be different for younger guys. In 1988, a fellow pledge was asked to leave after revealing he was gay. This reaction lead me to not continue school the next semester. I left school at Christmas break and went back home.