Thursday, July 12, 2012

bf's and gfs

this week had been awesome, summer full on! just give me a few good rains in July and I'm happy after last summer it was over 100 forever!! ha
I've been swimming laps every morning except yesterday I made $80 going up to my friend A's workplace to move furniture from one trailer to another right at the crack of dawn, was home by 8 to change up and breakfast, then off again for 930 office hours at the community college, class from 10:45 to 1:15. then home to eat the second half of pizza from lunch the day before. It's so good even cold! gym yesterday afternoon and then busy organizing stuff around the house and grading papers. I'm going back to public school teaching end of July so not to many weekends left, whoosh... My job opportunity in Norman has been pushed back til maybe Dec depending on govt contract going through and getting approved etc etc...however I have been asked to give a 3 day training session at a hotel in OKC for the teaching staff going over to Kabbuull, so that will be good extra practice getting my brain around the curriculum we used over there, and then also some good extra money for this fall. :)
i swam laps this morning, and then have been busy all day just enjoying whatver on the internet, cleaning out stuff in the house, which means taking things out, sorting, throwing away of condensing with other stuff. blah blah. it's really coming along. for some reason I can't just clean up one room. I have to do all rooms and closets and boxes of stuff all at once and stir it all up. ...then eventually make sense of all of it and get it back together. if that makes sense. ha thus the single life...
I'm having a lot of thoughts this week about my faith, my manlihood, and my romantic future. I guess the first thing is that whether or not I choose to be in the closet or not, I'd still hope that I could be the sort of person that someone would have sort of an idea about who you are for your beliefs and faith rather than if you're rich, poor, gay, straight, masculine, fem etc....
It's strange though how guys can be masculine or fem... some guys are not really fem, they just sort of act that way. When I met this one guy in Austin, he was talking it all up like some fem gay dude, and then later, he was just the most normal masc guy talking to me and some other guys etc... it was strange 'cause I don't find myself attracted to the fem sort of guys. Don't get me wrong, ain't nothing wrong with it, I know some fem guys who are super great, witty, fun, entertaining, personal, and real... I'm just saying I wouldn't be attracted to one. I'm not the most macho guy in the world, sort of just a normal guy, and I do a terrible fem impression btw, crack me up if I even try. ha The catty attitude fem is probably the worst if I gave it any thought.
I was also thinking about being reverse bi curious. for example a gay person who is curious about having sex with the opposite gender. I think the reason for that is I'd be very willing to have sex with a girl again, I mean I know Christian faith says wait until marriage and all, but I figure there a lot of gay Christian guys who have sex whether "married" or in a relationship or whatever or not. So if the opportunity came up, I think I'd go for it. I pretty much always dated girls who were conservative as me which meant we never got that far... ha. only the one that took my heart and crushed it and now is married to another...alas. And although I'm open to meeting a guy (or girl) and fall really in love and be in a relationship completely, and it's not that I'm not looking, I just don't bother looking online or bars because all those guys want the same quick thing. but sometimes I do think a little about someday when the ex gf is widowed we can be friends again. (she married a guy way older than she is). I don't keep up with her at all these days, for one thing I'm too jealous of her being married and breaking us up, and another she and I were brought up in such a way that a married woman doesn't exactly have single male friends. alright, I'm rambling now...
I will say that when I think of being with a woman, I have a very masculine state of mind of being strong and hard and with someone very sweet and willing and smooth and vulnerable. and when I consider guys, it's the part about us both being men, masculine, strong and hard and willing.. ha ha. does that make sense?
I know a lot of gay guys think there is no such thing as bi, only gay or straight. But it's definitely not that black/white. I don't think there is anything gay about guys jerking off in front of each other, now touching each other is def borderline. but otherwise I think guys just want to enjoy what they enjoy... sort of depends huh.
off to the gym soon, and then back home to enjoy more summer YARD TIME! ah yeah. :)

8 comments:

rugbysex said...

in order to love you must first be open to receiving it...no matter where it comes from or the gender of the person. personally, don't think most peeps fall in love at first sight. i'm afraid i'd be skeptical of those feelings. i'm very very lucky, i don't have to look for love it found me but man oh man...i was ready for it.
cheers!

Steve said...

>>I also don't think there is anything gay about guys jerking off in front of each other... <<

Dude, that's totally gay action! "Straight" dudes don't often hangout and stroke one out with each other. If you don't think so, try it sometime at your gym and see what kind of reaction you get. Just sayin'.

xavi said...

I used to overthink my options, complex if-then-else scenarios on potential partners, where to draw the line on what is mandatory in the relationship, what you can live with... too much.
Keep it simple, do not overthink the options. if you need lots of thinking to decide, if you are not 100% confident on a situation (or being with someone) then don't do it... your subconscious is wise.
just flow with it, trust your guts when you think of being with someone, they are usually right!!

thatguy said...

This is how I feel, for the most part. I hope you post more stuff like this, I like to hear from people who are kind of in the same situation. And beyond that, I want to hear things work out for you!

d said...

I think you are compromising on being who you are due to your faith and your up-bring. If God creates all and loves all, then he should love ALL- your parents should do the same. I'm trying to work things out too but without the religious factor and it's difficult enough. I can't image being in your shoes. I have came out to my a few friends, my sister and an aunt (1 of 8); they are very happy for me. The next step is with my brothers and parents which is scary because of fear of rejection, but I have to be who I am and I can't hide myself or my love life from them forever; it's not fair for me and for the one I love. Shouldn't I be happy too? If you're happy with the way things are, then keep it as such, if you're not then go find it and "be ready to receive it" as rugbysex has mentioned. Anyway, enjoy your summer. Cheers! David

Gregg said...

After reading your blog for many years, I think you have very specific ideas on what are masculine and feminine traits in gay men. Do you think your attraction to a woman is really your attraction to the masculine idea of yourself being with a woman? Your description of being attracted to a woman involved how you saw yourself as much as how you saw the woman. This is not criticism in any way. Just thoughts. Human sexuality is very very complex and putting everyone in one or two boxes doesn't work. Hope you enjoy your summer.

Mike said...

I think you have to let go and just be open to what comes regardless of gender.

JamesinMaine said...

This quote helped me a lot when I was dealing with everything. I hope it can do the same for you.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us" -E.M. Forster