hey, I definitely do see all comments and have really enjoyed reading yours. I think it's awesome that I can put myself out there on a blog and find people who can relate or find themselves in a similar situation... very cool. I have been doing "both" for quite some many years(when you said you are gay AND a Christian). ------ only that I haven't really sought out a bf or husband or anything like that, so obviously that's the whole stuck in the middle thing for me. I guess I haven't really pursued full fledged gaydom, whatever that is, because of what I like and don't like to do with guys. Also the understanding I have that what I really seem to what is a sort of acceptance or attention from some macho type guys that I can get sexually when I really just want in mentally/emotionally. if that makes sense, the whoel intimacy issue that guys have commented about on there before etc..
I hadn't really answered your question about the girl yet because I hadn't really made a decision if I should pursue that direction or not.. although I've definitely been considering it a lot lately. I watch straight porn and gay porn and the gay porn is usually oral stuff or guys stroking solo. the straight porn is guys and girls having sex missionary position. I'm not sure where that puts me in wanting to have sex with a woman only the rest of my life, but I know versus no sex now it couldn't be all that bad. anyway I also hadn't responded yet because I wasn't going to really blog about it because I'm pretty the sure most repsonse on here would be forget even considering doing that. ha I would liek to say, yes my ex gf knows everything about how I've been living, she has gay friends, she knows exactly what I've done and haven't done. we've discussed why I feel this way one or another. We've discussed the issues of her and her ex husband with sex and something that happened to her at age 5 etc etc... I've discussed it with her best friend, a girl I grew up in church with here in OKC and she is all for it, and thinks we could work it all out etc etc saying that my ex gf is still competely hot for me like she was in college. all that... but I'm not really going to blog much about it because right now I have my new job on my mind more than anything, a trip to Austin fall break to see my gay buddy there (will also test out his feelings on the deal), and so a trip to AR is not really planned until homecoming weekend sometime in october. oh wait maybe that is before fall break. ha well that's the where things lie with the whole marry a girl issue. Believe me I remain right in the middle of the whole gay/bi figure it out deal.... I am only throwing it into the bowl of options. right now I'm ok with a few pics online now and then and getting my life back in order and stable with some fulltime pay and benefits again. readers, do keep the comments and questions coming, and I'll try to get more response and discussion going. otherwise, forget the discussions and just keep enjoying the pics! :)
ps. no we've never had sex before
9 comments:
Dan!
There's nothing wrong with being at either end of the spectrum or just sitting right there in the middle.
Wherever you fit in is for you and only you to discover and no one else!
-Dean
Only you can determine where you are sexually at this point in time. But remember this is but one point in times continuum.
So be sure of yourself and know yourself.
Your sharing and discussing your feelings with whomever you choose to be involved with will go a long way toward any successful relationship in the future.
To often those that have chosen not to be honest end up hurting the ones they have been come closest to. Which has ended up causing both parties hurt and distress.
I'll sound like an old fart now... but alas I am....(well at least older than you)
You are still very young and I have no doubt that you will find someone that shares your visions and goals. However it may not be next week or even next year, but at some point that shared vision will be recognized and there will be no question about what you should of shouldn't do.
I think I have shared with you before follow your own path --
Those things that are important to you, you will make happen and they will come to you.
Dan, I've been following you for a couple of years now. I am quite a bit older than you (54 on Wednesday) and I have to say, you present yourself very well. I grew up in a very small Georgia town, Macon.. ultra conservative, the whole kitandkaboodle. There was never any doubt in my mind and body that I was gay, the conflict was should I be... not having been around any adult gay men as examples or mentors, being in Scouts, ROTC, etc.. all the way through college. I've been where you are now, but I have to say, there will come a point in your life when you listen to that true voice within. There is so much pressure out in society to put labels and designations.. instead of being human. The old adage that you can't see the forest for the trees applies to your situation.. the more you contemplate and try to reconcile, wrestle or whatever you call it... the answers will elude you. Tap into your spirituality and free your mind of what everyone else says.. meditation is an incredible avenue to self truth and discovery. If you haven't read 'Eat Pray Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert, please get a copy and read it.. it will open your eyes. As an older gay man who embraced my innerself in my 20s (while on active duty in the USAF)... I found my peace and truth with God's help. Remember, God doesn't make mistakes.. we are created in His image, spiritually and as long as you have God in your heart, you will find your way.
I don't know you personally, but I look and read your comments and feel a kinship as if I were your older brother.. watching and trying to let you find your way.
Wishing you greatest success in your new ventures. By the way, your work overseas in the Middle East really endeared you to my heart. As a veteran, I thank you for your contributions.
Hang in there Dan...
Larry Hammack
Atlanta Georgia
Dan,
WOW, a post written with my name at the beginning, I am very surprised. At first I was a little scared thinking you were pissed at me. I sincerely hope you are not. I might have over stepped with my comments.
I hope and pray the best for you with any decision you will make in the future and I would support anything you do. I enjoy so much reading about your thoughts and also appreciate how well you express yourself with your writing skills.
I'm sure I speak for a lot of people that follow your blog by saying, I feel less alone by reading your stories.
You are an awesome guy.
Take Care,
Nate
I have considered marriage but never did marry because I felt that would be a lie. I too am torn between men and women. I feel that love would be the deciding factor. But honesty would be an important part of making that decision, I can not lie to fit in with the popular form of traditional marriage.
I study many religions and would just call myself spiritual. I believe in Jesus Christ. I do not wish to label myself as one or the other. You hit it on the head with finding the emotional attachment with men. That is what is important. I think that is what we want most in relationships more that the physical sex.
I'm glad all the other comments have been pretty supportive!
I too have ambivalent feelings about my orientation. While I tend to be sexually attracted to men (but not exclusively), I'm emotionally attracted primarily to women. It makes for some frustrating times in my life. I've not yet me a guy that I think I might want to spend the rest of my life with, or even a few years. While I have met women I could see myself in a ltr with, I'm not sure i could be fully there for them sexually, and I haven't been brave enough to discuss what a relationship might look like with them. My own approach has been not to worry about what label to affix to myself (though a label would help with discussing things with friends and family!) and to go on dates with people I find attractive and see what happens from there. I generally like my life, and I've decided that being single isn't terrible, so it's not something I'm going to stress too much about.
nate, nah I wasn't pissed a single bit, come on, when am I not happy go lucky dan, huh? ha. nah I was just responding to the questions with some thoughts is all. thanks for the support and comments everyone. later
I'm on the same page as you and some of your readers. Reading your blog and the comments section have helped me to try and figure things out. All, thanks for sharing... Dan, whatever you decide, I'm sure it'll be right for you.
As for your travel plans...Jetblue is bringing their fly anywhere they fly pass for $700 good from now until 10/03/2010. Have a great time!
D
Might be a good idea to start with an adult sexual relationship with the ex-gf, before seriously considering marriage. I suggest this for a lot of reasons, but it might give a clue if you can succeed at a hetero relationship.
Chronic indecision can indicate deeper more severe problems. If you really want a partner you have to take some risks. In your case it is probably not possible to figure out all your likes and dislikes with thought experiments. No substitute for experience.
Post a Comment