Saturday, June 07, 2008
two things I thought I'd blog. did anyone read the details magazine with ashton kutcher on it? there was an article about gay guys adopting. my first reaction on seeing that was, man details is really turning gay, like it just happened, ha. but I read the article and then started imagining all these things about hiring a surrogate to have a kid for between 60-100k. but then I decided I'd probably feel the same way about single mom's not really being a family (I mean perfect case scenario) so why would I think single gay dad's would be any different. (There was a girl in my single's bible study a few years ago who made a lot of money and then one decided to adopt a guatamalan baby, and I remember thinking how awful to purposely be a single mom, I know it's stupid, I'm just remembering back.) SO anyway on the other hand, I thought, well that way I could have kids without getting married and living some weird straight life in the closet. Anyway, I'm not sure I could really do it ever. but one of the 2 guys that I still email in OKC that would like to "see me" when I get home, well he has a baby girl that he can't get enough of. He did the turkey baster and sperm thing with a lesbian friend, and now the women have the baby and he also gets to visit when he wants etc... I'm not sure if I would ever want to share a baby with a lesbian mom though. strange as it sounds. just stuff going on in my head after reading that article in the bathroom stall the other day.
the second thing is this guy on my hall who is big boned and hunky and works out with these other two guys, well they are all nic nice guys, but this guy is the talkative one, and NOT shy, today we end up showering at the same time after gym, and FINALLY, I get some shower room showing off action, he just strips down talking like nothing and there he is big and beautiful white and uncut. dang boy, get in the shower stall and shower already.
yup definitely been here way too long.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
met this band in college, we drove to dallas and back in one night and saw them perform at trees, small venue and perfect for the show. my roomate made us stand around forever, promising they'd come outside, and we were all ready to start the trip back to AR cause we had classes the next morning. He was right, later they come outside and stand around on the sidewalk chatting with us for while, man that made my night. very nice guys and of course we were all hyped after the show.
good ole weezer.....
i was chatting online with my sis tonight back in Oklahoma and talking about working out my abs for months and months here and how I'm getting in shape doing abs every single day for 6 months, anyway, she says at some point, "i want to find you a wife" since " you're in your prime". well regardless of my health or what shape I was struck with that feeling of facing reality when a loved one brings up finding a wife. my quick reply was, well good luck.
and then a change of subject ensued. of course. It's funny though because i was just lying in bed after work before draggin myself to the gym and thinking about how at some point I will probably have to admit something or another to my siblings and maybe parents. But what i was thinking was does that include my neice and nephews. It'd be sort of nice to NOT include them like forever or just let them catch on and let their parent relay it if it comes up. But it sort of makes me uncomfortable since I try to sort of want to be a good Christian encouraging uncle for them. and they are already fascinated that I travel and do what I want and they know I have strong beliefs and convictions about life etc.. THe same is true for the former students I keep in touch with when i taught at a missionary school overseas, all my former students are graduating college this year and at least 5 i seriously would have tried to attend if I'd been in the states. I like being that link to their Christian school days even though now they are sort of just enjoying life and finding out who they are regardless of past teaching of faith. anyway, so this blog is where I come to unload all these thoughts. Sorry if its just a bunch of crap whining, but these are the sort of things I consider. I know the kids and my family will love me regardless, I guess it's more about how I see myself really , or how I see them seeing me. (if that makes sense).
I also have realize that how I was raised seeing and thinking of a gay man, might be different than how someone sees a gay man today. Thing is even if I came out to anyone, so what, would I want to talk about it, or be set up with a guy, probably not.
I also wonder if I could just tell my family that I'm a confirmed bachelor, or that I've decided I'm not going to pursue getting married anymore, and then everyone just assumerwhatever without bring anything up about me being gay or not. I guess that's the whimpy way out. ha
I also think I'd have to start believing myself that the possibility is real of actually falling in love with someone I'd want to live with and express myself competely physically with, this thing they call sex. (a man, I'm talking about here) It's like I am not even considering coming out because I, myself, am not ok with the whole idea of it.
I know I'm happy as is for right now this point in life stuck overseas, but getting back to the states, I'm going to have number one, some physical needs, but also feeling the missing part again, I know I have SO MUCH love and faith and trust to give somebody. the gifts and things I'm going to be willing to give and do for someboday if I ever DO fall in love, I can't imagine.
well thanks for listening. this is what the closet blog is for, for me anyway, thinking this through putting it down in words and all.
Monday, June 02, 2008
I'm curious has anyone checked out Austin's new gay radio program?
OUTCAST ! It broadcasts on a public radio station there on Sunday's 6:30 if you're in the area.
otherwise check out the site, in fact you can hear the first four weeks' shows via internet, what better to do while sitting in front of your computer but to listen to some homosexual radio program? ha I though it was interesting to hear them talk about issues like diversity in the gay community and how far they've come in Texas etc....
anyway, the reason I'm mentioning this again is last weekend's interview, the guy gave me a little shoutout at the end, a quick "hello to dan in Kabul" pretty much made my week.