Ok, I know my wife and kids dreams are never popular on here, so I thought I'd post about some other option..., lately I've had this idea of getting a roomate again back in okc since I'll need help with the mortgage and have no idea where or if I'll be getting regular work just yet(I plan to sub for a while, and then look at working at a bookstore or something etc... who knows). I was sort of thinking today about what if I placed an ad on craigslist another closet dude needing a closet roomate. ha, like ya know, the general fantasy solid built athletic dude who is closet and not out and open to living with another closet dude etc.... then as I thought about it, I was thinking, you know what I really want is a guy with a boat, cause I love weekends at the lake and waterskiing and maybe some fishing and camping. but then I thought, isn't that like a redneck joke where the guy is looking for a wife, and places and ad for a woman with a boat and must see a pic.....of the boat.
Actually if I found the closet dude to room with, I would'n't want to mess around with him at all or date, unless it was just that perfect between us. I'm really just looking for a roomate. then I could still have dudes over but not worry bout the roomate.
well then I started to think, and this is really a big deal for me, but I tried to somehow picture me with a "bf" and getting out to the lake and boating on weekends, and hanging out with my family and my family finally realizing my "companion" was my boyfriend... ok so there it is.
if I havn'et mentioned it before, I actually have a gay cousin in the family that see every holiday, a lesbian who lives on a farm outside of okc with her "companion". I keep saying that word because that is what my sisters always refer to her, and the way they say companion is as if it were in quotes. ha but of course they are nothing but sweet and nice and kind and totally normal of my cousin and her gf. but still its funny they only use that word. not wife or gf etc....as if we won't admit it out loud to each other or something.
5 comments:
You shouldn’t feel ashamed, pressured, or guilty about having “straight life” fantasies. I think it is quite common to not want to be different than the majority, or at least made to feel like some perverted monster for being gay. There is a fine line between harmless fantasy and pathology, so sometimes it is appropriate to challenge certain fantasies in order to move forward with your life.
However, I think some of the backlash you may be feeling about past comments is mostly because of your terse writing style. None of your readers can be sure if your just venting about a fantasy or seriously planning on dragging a woman back to your cave.
Assuming all of your blog entries are sincere; I doubt that anyone who has read most of your blog would think that there is even a remote chance that your straight. Meaning straight enough to maintain a heterosexual marriage or long term relationship.
Taking on a closeted roommate could easily backfire if the two of you end up validating one another’s closeted life rather than making forward progress. Kind of like the cliché, misery loves company. Besides, who do you think you are closeted from at this point? I bet some of your family members have figured you out by now.
eh,I don't know how you stand those dumbass comments compadre! :) anyway. I think you're thinking too much. And I think you need to get out of Dodge. I know a good 'hood here where you could afford a house and garden . . . just sayin. I know you need a garden as much as I do. Mine's all in pots right now but I'm kind of in a pot as well, not really planted yet, so it works. Once I find the right soil I'll just dig in and wiggle my roots around and sigh. Until then, things like my potted dwarf fig that produces one fig a season will just have to do. That and the secret fig tree we found on the Katy Trail last summer . . .
:)
Interesting to learn that about your family... I'd think for me that would be a deterrent to coming out...
Good luck with whatever happens and what you decide doing!
"[F]ine line between harmless fantasy and pathology" and "you need to get out of Dodge". I wish I'd heard that message 30 years ago. Don't make my mistake. I was young and knew I was attracted to men. But I came from the same kind of religious background as you. So I suppressed what I knew. I wasn't gay, I told myself, just a little misguided. Nothing a wife and kids wouldn't fix. And that's the path I took. It didn't work. Twenty five years later I'm a closeted, sexually repressed 50 year old. I have two kids in college and a miserable, embittered wife, who may or may not have figured things out. She deserved better. And though I love my kids dearly, still, I ruined my wife's life by refusing to face up to what I am. Pretending didn't change anything. It didn't avoid any pain. It just postponed and amplified it.
Are you sure the reason you don't come out is family? It seems like they are hinding you with how they treat your cousin. I think you're so worried about how your sister terms it, that you really don't want to hurt her or have her treat you any differently. You should really try living for yourself, in your own shoes.
Post a Comment