yesterday I was feeling down at the gym, maybe cause it was leg day, ugh I hate leg day... well I had heard some news about our boss scheduling our return to the states and that he may not be cooperative in delaying my ticket.
I am trying to contact a TAX LAWYER now for some verification on my tax exemption.
I THOUGHT I had to stay out of the country for 330 days for the tax exemption and don't want to lose the money by going back early. However someone on base is telling me that you can go home, then leave again, just stay away for 330 days of the year.... so I'm confused and don't want to do the wrong thing.... either way I'm still traveling to Africa in October, although going home to turn in my gear first would mean not lugging it around europe.
well I was a bit down in the dumps while working out and I started thinking about the whole gay thing, and how I had some things to say to my dad, and how much I love my parents, and how hard it would be to stay over here another year away from my family.
oh yeah and on my personal blog I put up a pic of me with the drawings my niece and nephew sent me on the wall of my barracks, and I wrote how nice they were to hang up since I never had any children. I know, doesn't that sound defeatest, but also a sort of passive aggressive signal to the family that I'm probably never having kids.
I thought about the comments lately about the whole what is gay, and the masculinity issue, and how it's judged, and I wanted to tell readers, that if I was outed today here on base or back home, I wouldn't change much in my life. I'm comfortable with my masculinity, my body, my life, who I am, gay or not. i wouldn't suddenly be going out having a high time at gay bars. I'd probably just be a bit more honest when I traveled about where i went or who I saw maybe...? but I'm comfortable with the person I am right now, in or out of the closet.
I do post a lot about gay identity because I think it's a good discussion and I know i used to have a BIG fear of it in highschool and college what i'd be seen like and thought of, but I am already gelled now and really like who I am regardless.
main struggle here is just my identity by faith first, not by who I'm sleeping with. like I've said before.
I was just thinking of this fantasy last night where I'm having this big fabulous Christmas party in a great room in some new house (I bought the best handmade ornaments in India a few months ago), and I've invited all my family and friends, those from church and my gay friends, and the food is awesome, and people are mixing, and maybe I sit down at the piano and we sing some some carols. ANd then I thought how it'd be nice to have a prayer before the meal, and if I led that prayer how I'd want my wife holding my hand for confidence, and overall support throughout the event.
I guess it's hard to imagine some dude like that. I can't have it all but have to be one person not two or three. ha