i was chatting online with my sis tonight back in Oklahoma and talking about working out my abs for months and months here and how I'm getting in shape doing abs every single day for 6 months, anyway, she says at some point, "i want to find you a wife" since " you're in your prime". well regardless of my health or what shape I was struck with that feeling of facing reality when a loved one brings up finding a wife. my quick reply was, well good luck.
and then a change of subject ensued. of course. It's funny though because i was just lying in bed after work before draggin myself to the gym and thinking about how at some point I will probably have to admit something or another to my siblings and maybe parents. But what i was thinking was does that include my neice and nephews. It'd be sort of nice to NOT include them like forever or just let them catch on and let their parent relay it if it comes up. But it sort of makes me uncomfortable since I try to sort of want to be a good Christian encouraging uncle for them. and they are already fascinated that I travel and do what I want and they know I have strong beliefs and convictions about life etc.. THe same is true for the former students I keep in touch with when i taught at a missionary school overseas, all my former students are graduating college this year and at least 5 i seriously would have tried to attend if I'd been in the states. I like being that link to their Christian school days even though now they are sort of just enjoying life and finding out who they are regardless of past teaching of faith. anyway, so this blog is where I come to unload all these thoughts. Sorry if its just a bunch of crap whining, but these are the sort of things I consider. I know the kids and my family will love me regardless, I guess it's more about how I see myself really , or how I see them seeing me. (if that makes sense).
I also have realize that how I was raised seeing and thinking of a gay man, might be different than how someone sees a gay man today. Thing is even if I came out to anyone, so what, would I want to talk about it, or be set up with a guy, probably not.
I also wonder if I could just tell my family that I'm a confirmed bachelor, or that I've decided I'm not going to pursue getting married anymore, and then everyone just assumerwhatever without bring anything up about me being gay or not. I guess that's the whimpy way out. ha
I also think I'd have to start believing myself that the possibility is real of actually falling in love with someone I'd want to live with and express myself competely physically with, this thing they call sex. (a man, I'm talking about here) It's like I am not even considering coming out because I, myself, am not ok with the whole idea of it.
I know I'm happy as is for right now this point in life stuck overseas, but getting back to the states, I'm going to have number one, some physical needs, but also feeling the missing part again, I know I have SO MUCH love and faith and trust to give somebody. the gifts and things I'm going to be willing to give and do for someboday if I ever DO fall in love, I can't imagine.
well thanks for listening. this is what the closet blog is for, for me anyway, thinking this through putting it down in words and all.