it's really strange , and I know this will sound pretty dumb, but I while running my usual 4k on the treadmill today, I thought about writing my parents a letter that said;
"look when I return from AFghanistan I don't have any plans on finding a wife and kids ever, so I'd appreciate it if you'd stop bringing up that conversation. Because it really just depresses me and hurts me, so i think this is a good time to confirm that I've decided to remain single and short of an act of God, which you are welcome to continue praying for, I plan to live a pretty satisfying happy productive busy single life from here on out. And i expect you to respect my wishes and accept it and let us move on, you can decide what you want to tell your friends and family members, hopefully this won't cause too much embarassment, and you can still be proud of what I'm doing with my life, and I can stop feeling like I've let you down by not producing the expected family unit. I think this is good time to have this conversation because we're all getting older and it's stupid to just pretend like I'm still looking for a wife, when in fact I'm not. "
anyway, something along those words. it's so bizarre though to try and write such a letter, i mean for real, because of course I'm trying to confront something, but not coming out and saying the G word.. ha ha.. so lame, I know, but bear with me, it was just some thoughts on the treadmill. ( i have many more months here to consider such steps...) scary thoughts of actually approaching the idea at all with my parents. but i would so much love to tell them to stop asking about a wife and that I'll probably never marry or have kids. just get it over with, and tell them to stop torturing me by bringing it up. i love them so much, and I know they love me so I know they wouldn't want to be hurting me by talking about the whole deal.
these are just thoughts. blah. its funny cause i get along so great with my folks, but my dad bringing up a wife or girl at work etc.. jsut makes me lose it, and I never lose it or get angry at anything ever, only thing that really gets me boiling is someone else being made fun of or taken advantage of and I get into angry defending mode immediately for that person etc.. but usually I'm the talker and mediator wanting everyone to avoid anger and fighting etc...
any of you closeted guys consider this type of conversation with the folks ever? i'd like to know. later