Friday, February 29, 2008

I thought about sort of coming out

it's really strange , and I know this will sound pretty dumb, but I while running my usual 4k on the treadmill today, I thought about writing my parents a letter that said;

"look when I return from AFghanistan I don't have any plans on finding a wife and kids ever, so I'd appreciate it if you'd stop bringing up that conversation. Because it really just depresses me and hurts me, so i think this is a good time to confirm that I've decided to remain single and short of an act of God, which you are welcome to continue praying for, I plan to live a pretty satisfying happy productive busy single life from here on out. And i expect you to respect my wishes and accept it and let us move on, you can decide what you want to tell your friends and family members, hopefully this won't cause too much embarassment, and you can still be proud of what I'm doing with my life, and I can stop feeling like I've let you down by not producing the expected family unit. I think this is good time to have this conversation because we're all getting older and it's stupid to just pretend like I'm still looking for a wife, when in fact I'm not. "

anyway, something along those words. it's so bizarre though to try and write such a letter, i mean for real, because of course I'm trying to confront something, but not coming out and saying the G word.. ha ha.. so lame, I know, but bear with me, it was just some thoughts on the treadmill. ( i have many more months here to consider such steps...) scary thoughts of actually approaching the idea at all with my parents. but i would so much love to tell them to stop asking about a wife and that I'll probably never marry or have kids. just get it over with, and tell them to stop torturing me by bringing it up. i love them so much, and I know they love me so I know they wouldn't want to be hurting me by talking about the whole deal.

these are just thoughts. blah. its funny cause i get along so great with my folks, but my dad bringing up a wife or girl at work etc.. jsut makes me lose it, and I never lose it or get angry at anything ever, only thing that really gets me boiling is someone else being made fun of or taken advantage of and I get into angry defending mode immediately for that person etc.. but usually I'm the talker and mediator wanting everyone to avoid anger and fighting etc...


any of you closeted guys consider this type of conversation with the folks ever? i'd like to know. later

7 comments:

Dane said...

I'm out and this conversation still comes up, even last night when having a few beers with my dad. I hope to someday get through to them but it takes time..

Anonymous said...

I don’t think your idea is lame at all…I think it is a great intermediate step, and perhaps a final step. By final I mean that your folks may not need anymore of an explanation than that.

I think your dead on in that everyone is getting older, and it is time to stop pretending about the search for a wife. I really wonder if your parents believe that you are straight and looking, or if the constant wife question is their way of asking about your sexuality?

Have you thought anymore about living in a place where can feel more comfortable being yourself?

Some people say that a lot of what we get out of life is what we believe we deserve. For example, if you believe you deserve to be wealthy, then you will work towards that goal, it will become some sort of priority right or wrong. So, do you think you deserve to be loved?

Anonymous said...

You are doing the right thing--I was 25 when I came out to both parents and I and they never regretted it. The old saying that the "Truth sets you free" is not lame but real and true. You are a regular guy with attractions and to deny them is not what is your inner self or being. And while you are young, you will meet someone who will take your heart--I did 15 years ago and he has never regretted it either. We celebrate each day through the good times and bad, because we care for each other and is not that what you see in your parents? I did in mine and know they loved me for who I am, not somebody's misconceptions or bias--- Be true to yourself first and then it will all fall together. Stay safe--Carpe Diem!

Mike said...

That sounds like a safe way to approach the topic.

Rick said...

We've talked about this before - I think your parents will get through it just fine. A rough period for a few days or weeks, but if you have the great relationship with them - they will love you no matter what. Life is way too short (read my blog this weekend and see what I mean - I'm thankful everyday that my parents knew my partner).

W said...

you know dan, I've vacillated between telling ppl that I am gay and cowering in the closet forever. I sometimes feel indignant that society makes something as private as sexuality a public cloud over someone's head,and during those moments I feel defiant and such. But then I think of the long battle that'll lie ahead and realize I am not ready for this kind of task yet.
I feel your ambivalence.

Fancy Pants said...

hey. you know oddly enough I am out to the entire world, but haven't seen/heard from my parents for 3 1/2 years now, so I'm not "out" to them even tho I've been out to plenty of gay bars in Tulsa and I don't try to ever hide it, so it's quite possible they've heard the news. I really really think for you that a letter of that sort is a good idea. Cuz it puts the burden on THEM, not you. All of a sudden, they're the ones that feel lost and not knowing how to act and nervous and insecure etc. Not that you want to hurt them, but it's not fair to let yourself feel that way, or fair to them to let them indulge in a fantasy that will never happen. I think you'd feel all sorts of better. I really do. And I'm the last one to tell people that they need to come out, but at the same time, you have no idea how much better I feel about life now that I'm out. Night and day. I was shocked. Anyway D. Just a thot. I'll write my letter to my own parents, but with them, it's more like I just don't want contact with them. I don't see the point. With you, it must really hurt to hide things from people you love. It did me anyway. LOVE all the pix you've been taking of Kabul btw. LOVE them. You always had the best eye for photography.