Saturday, January 20, 2007
I volunteered and then went and ran for 25 mintues round the track and then abs and stretches etc.. blah
i came home and watched OU beat Baylor this afternoon.. ah yeah!
anyway, my bud in florida, M, sent me a travel guide via amazon and i recieved in the mail today.sweet! he's the one meeting me there for the show, but i'm a little confused he hasn't actually got his flight yet, so I'm going to have to tell him either get the flight or let me know if he's flaking out so I can plan etc... I think the guy is sort of like me in that I'm pretty practical and he hates spending cash or loosening up the purse strings, so to speak...
so I'm busy online checking out places to stay in NYC and finding a lot of 'em booked, but its cool I'm prepared to go up to $200 a night if I have to, however the $44 a night shared room nin't looking to bad either at this point. If I had a solid bud travelling up there with me (sharing costs ) I'd be staying at Hotel QT, that place looks cool. Right now I'll most likely book at the Americana over by broadway "midtown" ha ha. well I'm going to try not to post too much about this NY stuff.
no call from DX this weekend, and I found a profile of his on manhunt which lists a lot of interests that are not my scene at all... so prolly he won't be in many more posts... I dunno what I'm looking for anyway with that dude. I'm going to pretty much focus on my job and this trip for the next couple months anyway, oh yeah and try to get the number of the guy in law school at my gym. that's the plan for now. hope all are having a great weekend.
Friday, January 19, 2007
I volunteer downtown tommorrow morning so that will be cool to get out. I recieved a call last night while watching the end of letterman and about to hit the sack.(shout out to nsa and jp, got disconnected and decided to stay signed off) My bud in Austin called me about wanting to plan a trip next year to travel somewhere together. I'm pumped because I love travelling but as a single dude and with all my str8 buds married, I'm left without anyone to travel around with with. anyway this guy H is one of my best friends from OKC here and he's been "OUT" since college and he's invovled with tons of lobby groups and all that in Austin. We don't discuss a lot of political views on purpose let me tell you, but anyway, he's the guy I always go visit down in austin. So we are going to poay around with some ideas for a trip. I said Brazil right off the bat, but he wants to travel not just for gay destinations... i mean come on BRAZIL, yeah that was prolly my first thought too, but i agree with him, I'm up for travelling anywhere, so we also discussed Turkey, lots of biblical history there to check out, and considered Japan, but that'd be WAY too expensive from what I understand. Because I speak Spanish and he speaks French, I think between the two of us we'd do well in Brazil though.. ha!
I don't care at this point I just want to see the world. I don't know if I mentioned it before but I'm sort of searching for teaching jobs overseas for next year. but it's hard to throw myself into because I am confused whether I really have the need for travel, or if my single ambiguous existence here in the states is what makes me restless and wanting to travel and live other places, or does it provide more time in not coming out or explaining why I'm not yet married. I don't know, but here's a random thought, if you've ever read the book "Wind in the Willows" by Kenneth Grahame. I know its an escapist thought but I love the way that book has all these guy friends (well they are actually animals) and they all the best of loyal friends, and there is no mention of sexuality or want of it, I mean its a childrens book after all. but sometimes I wish for a life like that, regardless of what guy or girl I'm sleeping with at home, or married or not, but I just like the idea of working hard each day, having great times with some loyal friends etc.. I guess I resent having to grow up after college and everyone seperating off, and becuase of my sexual orientation issues I get left behind without the joys of learning to share and give in to a spouse, have kids, take responsibility in supporting and raising them...etc. AND YES I KNOW GAY GUYS ideally CAN DO ALL THIS ALSO, but its a lot taller hill to climb, let's face it.
I really do like to travel, even if I did have the wife and kids, I'd be like some of the missionary families I've worked with before who raise their kids up no matter what county they are living in. I feel a need to sample the world, to see what else is out there, how other people live, and get along, and react to each other, how get through the day to day stuff, entertain themselves, all that interests me. maybe because I was the one who wanted to try a "suicide" as a kid, where you get a fountain drink and put in different kinds of coke in the same cup. I wanted to try it all and experiment a little. ha!
Well I'm off to gym now, this law student is back in town from Utah, he was gone all Christmas break. He has the same size and body type as my marine buddy L. from college and was back at the gym wednesday. He's definitely interested and we've talked some , and I want to get him over to my place, he says he's always doing homework and studying cases, but this year he has a goal of being more social! heck yeah, social with me at my place man is what I'm thinking! ( or just a movie I GUESS would be all right also) hope everyone had a great week, what are YOU doing to stay warm in this cold?, let me know. later.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
first thing. I watched a documentary about Andy Warhol on PBS last fall and one thing that stuck with me was what they said about Warhol making art for the sake of creating it for himself and not whether or not anyone else liked it, but because he liked it. That idea really is what made me want to start using the creative side of myself this year, the part of me I've always been afraid to express or share for the sake of appearing gay.. as I've mentioned before. In fact I began to think about life in general, and how as a closet dude I'm always sort of conscious of how I'm acting, saying, doing and how people might be reading me or thinking about me etc... you know self conscious and always on the defense of being assumed gay ( still single after college etc..) and what freedom and relief it must be for those people who are confident and secure enough to jsut live life freely and expressive as they choose with out any preoccupation of how its perceived by others. My faith gives me that security more than anything, and the love of my family and friends and students I guess. I've never been more happy and self confident than when I was teaching at a missionary school overseas for three years, it continues to be the highlight of my life so far. I will say that hanging with all my stright buds throughout college and afterwards definitely reassured me that I was as masculine and normal as the next guy, and the years after college when I began dealing with students, I could see what a man I was , in fact...a lot like my dad. ( I enjoy that part of me that I'm "a guy" regardless of being gay, and in fact I'm all the more confused about some gay guys almost purposely acting feminine sometimes, I never have got why that is exactly....)
second thing. I rented a lot of DVD's last Saturday in preparation for the long iced in weekend and one of them was "Sketches of Frank Gehry". (architect) One of the things that got filed into the same part of my mind was when Gehry mentioned how he was building all these buildings because that's the way people wanted them, and then a client saw his own house and asked why he wasn't designing his buildings the way he really wanted like his own place. And from then on that's exactly what he began to do. Next, director Sydney Pollack, who made and appears in the film, is discussing with Gehry why the artist does what he does, and Gehry said how it's not to please everyone, its because the artist (architect ,film director, etc..) has something to say, and he may not be trying to say it to everyone, but to that small percentage of people who do "get it" and who do like it and can relate. It's done for that percentage.
SO that motivates me, to express my anger and/or confusion, and express or say what I want to say regardless if it's understoof by all, because there is a small percentage who will understand and will get it, and will like it and relate.... I have no idea how, but I'm motivated this year to be open to creating and producing when I get the feeling to express. ha
while jogging around the track I begain to relate that whole idea to this blog, how I started this blog, knowing that my life of trying to live a Christian life while trying to reconcile what to do with my gay life my not make any sense at all to some gay guys reading a blog. ( The Christian church has created such a deep casmic division after all unfortunately). To most gay bloggers it may seem pointless to bother trying. I had not any plans to come out to anyone while blogging, nor do I plan to anytime soon. And I've had a lot of fun posting pics of guys I think are hot hot, without posting full out porn. And I have a lot really conservative opinions and optimistic ideallic dreams and hopes for my life and the lives of others. I feel weird posting about a great cock or hot guy one minute and my faith in God the next. but that's who I am. I'm ok with it. I know I am judged ---but the same God who judges me loves me and created me... anyway, my point is that this blog has been awesome because I began to receive comments here and there from guys who were in a similar situation, and so I found that small percentage who wanted to hear.
I have found similar blogs, and even they are all different. coming out to your self for one....coming out versus career..many guys confused how to reconcile their sexuality and faith, many blogs of guys who choose not to reconcile and possibly cease their faith and just live for sexuality. other blogs reconciling their sheer love and respect for family, yet not feeling they are completely being honest about who they are. Guys who don't want anyone to know and are happy enough at this point to have some discreet guy sex on the side, and other guys who hate the deception and bother of hiding their gay sexual orientaion. also guys with the goal of eventually coming out, or just finding that first gay experience. and of course some very awesome blogs of guys who have come out to friend and family slowly and some less difficult than others, and its a beautiful thing. (When will we see that in a movie!! come on, somebody write one showing the way it could be when coming out......considering Latter Days, where are the movies to show guys these true stories where the family listens, loves, and accepts eventually without the rejection or commital to a mental hospital!!! surely that is more the case these days than what happened in that movie!! maybe not.....)
anyway, its great to see what blogs keep popping up, to see what other guys have to say around the country and world. I've been told to shit or get off the pot. It's true, on the fence is a weird way to live, I know I'd be great in a relationship but I'm afraid to go full force in one direction or the other (guy or gal as a relationship).
I can say that this guy meeting me in NY has been the steadiest guy so far, and by that I mean he really seems to like what I say and do and aim to live for, he respects it all, and he listens to me, and he's smart( serious, extreme intelligence in a man or woman drives me CRAZY right up there with physical appearance i swear,) and not just into me because of my dick. that's all I get from guys in okc physical physical physical only. I think because I was raised 'wait til marriage" that even with guys I want some sort of emotional interest and bond before I'm going all the way...ok post long enough.
One good thing about the weather is lots of guys out of school were also at the gym I mean just to look at on the floor of course. I ran a good 20 minutes aroudn the track before my workout so that got me warmed up after sitting around here at the house all morning.
I'm not going to call DX until he calls me I decided, sure would have been nice to sleep in and wake up next to that thick dicked guy these past few mornings off work. ahh well.
Monday, January 15, 2007
guy around at any party... ahh yeah.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
haven't heard at all from DX this weekend, I'm thinking he might have got stuck somewhere away from home cause there's no answer, and his cell phone says out of service, I think that's the ice storn.
I got the Patriots game on tv tonight and than maybe watching "lost in Translation" tonight, haven't seen it since at the movies. I love travel films like that. Also want to mention a film I got in the mail called "adventures of Felix" it's about a gay guy in France traveling south to meet his father, and along the way meets a young kid, another hot gay guy, and then meets up w/ his bf at the end. some nice make out scenes and some nudity in the middle. over all the usual slow paced french film with nice scenery and ponderings. Basically I think they try to say more about him being comfortable as an arab than as a gay man. and I can't begin to believe it's that easy to just hitch hike around France, but what do I know... anyone seen it?
I am getting a lot done in the house, getting all the christmas stuff I threw into the other room out and organized and put up and listening to some cd's. SNOW PATROL is in concert in Tulsa march 8th and I forgot to get a ticket and they'r already sold OUT, but the good thing is the venue is general admission so I will buy a ticket on Ebay.