well not sure how many closet dudes are reading the blog, but I'll tell ya I'm thinking of how Holiday times can sometimes really get me down being single and in the closet. This year not so much because I've gotten away from real life for a while...so to speak. well that's not fair, what I'm doing is real life, and I love what I'm doing and it's part of my nature straight or guy, to travel, see the world, work in an environment of servitude. But on the other hand it also is putting off facing certain realities of family confronting and asking about when I'm getting married etc... as each holiday passes with kids growing up and friends having kids and everyone just waiting and praying for me to get hitched.
ALSO I remember being home at Christmas for the holidays and since I was closet and not with a serious girlfriend (thats right the "one that got away" was just married a month before I left usa, and for the record she broke up with me 4 years ago this dec 28th, not that it pulled the rug from under me or anything.. I seriously thought she was the one i could make it all work out with....and yeah i know some readers will say we are better off not living some "lie"..... but anyway.) and also not with a serious boyfriend, since I was not commiting to being gay or straight, both are hard to find. And something about the holidays makes you want to be with someone, for me it was the break from teaching at school, and all those cold winter mornings i wanted to lay in bed and wake up next to someone I loved. or just sit back with someone right next to me on the couch watching a movie or something. and new years is even worst, drinking it up at a bar is all right, but if alone, I feel like you might as well sleep through it until you have someone to kiss at the midnight hour.
anyway, so all this to say, the Holidays, we must remember can be lonely times, even for the guys who may be out to everyone in life except family, and then they are stuck spending all this quality time with people they love but feeling they will never truly be understood. Well i don't mean to whine or anything, but I know that's why I always keep myself so busy at the holidays, projects aroung the house, traveling, getting in touch with my church single group and doing all their activities. all good ideas I guess to help get one through.
THe one thing is I've quit expecting the new year to bring any big change. I sort of just try to keep true to my Christian protestant faith regardless of the time of year.
I love all these other blogs because these are guys in college or fresh out of college and they are decisive and brave and commit to goals of coming out and getting on with life. It's great to live sort of vicariously through all of them, like a dream of what i could do, or should have done long ago. ha
So to all closet readers out there, who are still inbetween and maybe fishing around the internet and feeling more closeted than usual because it's the holidays, I wanted to say I know exactly how you may feel.
all in good time.
Enjoy this wonderful time of the year, this limbo week of people in and out of town between the 25th and new years...
6 comments:
Dan, I lived with those feeling until I met a really cool guy and I finally felt comfortable with myself. I was living in the world of limbo, but now I feel like a complete person and man. I'm happier than ever. Even though we are both still closeted, it's great to have someone who understands me as we both try to get through this life. Happy New Year, Dan. Stay safe and continue posting. I really enjoy your blog.
Hey there mister, merry christmas! I actually had a great time with the fam in Tulsa, of course it was a cuz I hadn't seen in 15 years and 1 aunt, I have to dig deep to find family that will take me in, but it was worth it, they were great. Yeh, being without a man this time of year sux but now that I think of it I've never had a bf this time of year. Hmmm. NYC for NY'sEve, maybe I'll find a man there! I'll keep you posted.
And I do have to say that the feeling, to me, of being out as a gay man at this time of year is amazing. Even if it means I lose some people, it also means that the ones that still take me in, well, I know it's real. I know they love me no matter what. It's a really good feeling.
Happy New Year mister! -- alex ;)
I know how you feel. IM in the same position
Aged 18, UK.
Though I didn't have the whole lonely Christmas thing and never really have the whole closeted sneaking around thing was difficult this year. Going out at 9p.m. Christmas Eve was a toughie to pull off. Also going out at 8 this morning and returning at 8:30p.m. tonight proved quite difficult. Ugh. One day maybe...
Dan, sad post. I empathize with your achy heart. Just remember that there are many guys out there looking for a responsible, hard working, kind hearted partner like you!
It is within your power to change your life and be happy. You just have to decide that living for your parents is not the way to go. Believe it or not the pain you are living through and have lived through is likely greater than if you come out and are rejected by some of your family. Living by your idea of your parent’s rules will never make you happy. It is possible that your parents may surprise you and accept you without much of an issue. Remember that Barry Goldwater turned into a gay rights advocate after he discovered one of his nephews was gay. So don’t automatically assume they will not be able to deal with your sexuality. For all you know they may start harassing you about finding a good Christian boyfriend. Stranger things have happened.
Don’t think that because you are in Kabul that you have checked out of real life. Don’t forget that all of the EU countries allow gays to serve in their respective militaries. So keep your eyes open and your ears to the ground for one of those gay soldiers. Who knows a year from now you may find yourself teaching English in the Netherlands married to a hunky soldier defending a windmill. You may realize the laid back European lifestyle suits you well, and never return to OKC. After all OKC is certainly no utopia is it?
Man, I haven't been keeping up with all my commenting like I'm suppose to. But like a lot of these guys, I feel where you're coming from. Definitely would have been nice to have someone to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve. Someone to buy that special Christmas gift for.
Someone to wake up next to on those cold winter's mornings, or to sit beside in front of the fire in the evenings. Sigh. But hey, next year is looking more possible...
Post a Comment