maybe not if you are able to go out and meet guys and have lots of freedom to live your double lives seperately etc... and I have done that.
but lately I'm sort of not doing either. I haven't been to clubs all summer, when I'm at the gym I leave promptly after workout and quick shower, and bascially I'm proud to say no online "dates" since I've had the roomie. which is a good thing really.
but I guess I'm ready to see what I can change this fall to get a little romance back into my life. At this point I'm ready to date a girl or guy. serious.
As a Christian, it remains extremely challenging. I mean I'm not in any great conflict or turmoil or anything. I still love my job, family, life etc... but I find Roman's Chapter 1 very convincing, untenable, and clearly stated. There is note in my bible mentioning whether homosexual desire is natural or nurtured, it doesn't really matter when considering that God's message isn't exactly one of living our lives giving in freely to desire. So those are just some thoughts.
Have I ever mentioned how sentimental I am. How I love corny group outings and parties. or that how love being a part of a group or team or project. about a sort of "hero worship" for guys bigger than me in highschool, and even now bigger taller guys. (OU's number 19! yowza)
There is a part of me that wants to be the big strong rock solid male taking care of and loving a beautiful loving sexy hot smart woman. but another part likes the idea of getting a big strong man's arms wrapped around me and falling asleep etc etc etc...
This post is not really going anywhere, I'm just getting stuff out of my brain tonight.
5 comments:
check out http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_bibc5.htm
You might enjoy attending one of the liberal churches in OKC.
Two of the larger ones are:
Church of the Open Arms on N. Penn. They have a wonderful female minister.
Cathedral of Hope - OKC. COH meets at the 1st Unitarian Church Sunday evenings. Male minister - former Southern Baptist.
Might be good to meet other Christian gay men. They are out there.
I hear you.
Pretty much on all fronts — we've talked about the religion thing before. But about the "hero worship" thing, yeah. I feel like sometimes, I wanna BE my crushes as much as I want to BE WITH them.
Nothing Golden Stays
I don't know how this comment is going to come off, and I hope it doesn't piss you off, but its one of those that just said a few things that got my brain started and until I write something won't be able to sleep.
Some random thoughts... and by the way... I'm not trying to come off blame free here cuz we both know how I'm living a double life etc.
you mention about loving family, etc... I don't know your family and how they would take you coming out, etc., but is fear of hurting them one of your motives for not coming out/exploring a guy? You don't have to respond to me, but I am just thinking and thinking about my own life... do I want to live how I want to, or how my parents want me to? I know coming out is difficult etc. and that's why you and I haven't, but I'm just saying... you sound like you have a great loving supporiting family, not that I don't, but I know that it would probably be hard on them... but I guess I'm asking is if you think they'll be accepting/supportive/religious or what... and if they'll be the type who will always be there and love you. Personally I'm thinking and if I waited so long to come out to my parents I'd tell them that look, you know I've tried dating women, i love women, don't get me wrong, etc. etc. But I also like men and part of the reason I've hidden this from you for so many years is I didn't want to hurt you etc. and it is hard for me to do this now; but I've waited __x___ years and its hard on you, me, etc. but I want to let you know I'm the same person and I'm just exploring men now... haha... could probably put that more eloquently, but at 2:30a.m. I'm not thinking.
But what I'm trying to say with that is are your parents the type who would see and be amazed that you waited so long cuz you didn't want to hurt them, yourself, etc. still support you, etc.? I guess how open/closed minded are your parents... I dunno...
I'll skip the whole religious discussion for now...
You, like me, could probably swing both ways... man or woman to date... I know right now with everything with The Guy and it is not even a boyfriend type relationship going on, but knowing how he does care, how he is sentimental, how he is willing to work with my situation is awesome. I see that I could love him like I would love a woman. I have said it before on my blog how his relat. is diifferent than all I've had with girls and how it is so much better.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have lived the double lives for so long and I guess I'd like to see you be able to experience the same type of stuff I've found in the guy... the loving, caring, compassion etc. etc. and I don't want you to look back and be unhappy years from now... this probably sound scorny at 2:30a.m., but as I said... I'm just getting my thoughts out...
To me it also sounds like you want more people to hang out with, which is never a bad thing... for parties... group outings etc., which comes along with a girlfriend/boyfriend
Talk to you soon and hope I didn't piss you off too much... if any...
Dan,
I was surprised when you stated that you are not in conflict with your beliefs and your life. After reading your blog for awhile I actually have the opposite impression of you. I see quite a lot of conflict in how you live your life, but of course all I know about you is what I read on your blog. I think if you ever allow yourself to have a boyfriend, it will be a real awakening for you.
At times I have wondered if your aversion to anal sex has anything to do with your religion. I wonder if you have worked it out in your mind that if you abstain from anal intercourse, then you are not technically “laying with another man?” Just curious.
I think it always healthy to distinguish between knowledge and belief. The one thing you know for sure is that you have a life to live here and now. You don’t know if all aspects of your religion are true, or if any aspects of your religion are true. I am not saying you shouldn’t have any beliefs, but perhaps just perhaps, you should not get too hung up on Romans chapter 1, and torture yourself over something that may not even be true.
Check out this news article on homosexuality and nature, it is really quite common in the animal kingdom, so perhaps God is not as opposed to it as we think?
Gay animals out of the closet?
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