I'm not confused or undecided, I am attracted to guys. Although I have not yet been led to pursue much further than the usual messing around, and I've said before on here that I'm not even particularly interested in going all the way with a dude. This may or may not ever change for me, it most likely will be based on an emotional connection of some sort if it ever did happen. by that I mean an actual commited relationship. Although I haven't stopped considering that the same could happen with a woman. I am not exactly open to either option, I would rather marry a woman and have a family and not be alone the rest of my life, as in commited relationship with our own offspring giving me a real purpose to aging and leaving part of me behind. Not just a part of me physically, but instilling a part of me in them so that they are children who appreciate all the beautiful people and beautiful things in this world and hopefully give a part of themselves to the world to make it a better place....etc etc.
I post a lot of pics on here of guys I think I'd like to have looked more like when I was in college. I didn't really start growing any real body until after college, it's getting in better and better shape now, but in college I was skinny. So I admire a guys build just out of admiration of beauty. But also of course, I can admire pics at other times, considering different situations and what they are doing with their bodies.
The male attraction began with just jerking off together and then some drunk touching, and then some more drunk touching and jerking and making out. The attraction was always that fact guys were doing this secretly, and I guess really the whole taboo thing of two guys since I was raised and came to commit myself to Christianity. So participating in sexual activity openly as a lifestyle never seemed like an option for me. I'm not saying this to be offensive or controversial, and most non-Christians would probably consider it plain stupid. that's fine, check out the pics, don't read the blog in between. But I do like having the blog to just get my thoughts out privately as I currently live with an attraction that I don't share with everyone publicly. Maybe this could be a coming out blog but it's going to be over several and many more years most likely if ever. THis is just me as a CHristian man, deciding how to make my life about my faith and not about who I want to get into bed with. and yeah I'm obviously choosing to do both right now. I am able to get the type of guys I only could have looked at from afar when finishing college. (have I mentioned beofre how don't even always climax with guys?)... I consider it a physical indulgence when I mess around with guys. Perhaps I'll learn to accept it, perhaps not. For now I'm comfrotable with the balance I have or struggle with or whatever. Because of the blog I know I'm not the only one who considers these things, or not the only one trying to hold on to both the sexual orientation and perhaps conflicting faith.
I guess that sums it up for now anyway, this week, this month, today. Maybe I'll meet the love of my life in Austin next week during spring break. My goal is NOT to look, that 's when they always find you, it seems. ha.
2 comments:
To see you were blogging about a lot of the same things really made me feel alot better. I did feel better getting it out after I wrote it at 2:30a.m., didn't remember a word I wrote until I read the post before going to English class, then felt really depressed. I feel a lot better now though. I guess I felt the whole depressing thing after reading my post this afternoon was because I don't have anyone and that's really bothering me right now.
You said exactly everything I said about a family, my thoughts on Chrsitianity, and stuff like that. Thanks!
I wish I could undestand how deep, truly and naturally felt commitment and love between two people of the same gender is "un-Christian." You find me any Christian who obeys the tenets outlined in Leviticus. You tell me that Jesus would want you to lie and pretend and deny yourself love.
Christ's message has been distorted, gradually over two thousand years, by people. This is just a fact; it's what happens with any philosophy or school of thought. You'd recognize it in Muslims who distort Muhmammad's teachings.
I hope someday you're able to look more objectively at what you were brought up to believe. You don't need to disregard it entirely, but you should be able to integrate and weed out that which was added by people with prejudices of their own.
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