just got back from teh bar with my str8 bud from college who's engaged, we got a boys night sort of, went to see little miss sunshine at the museum movie theater downtown. then to "cock of the walk" on western. a pretty cool old time bar with a mixed crowd, saw a guy that know's me from the gay bar in okc, but no big deal. There was a girl that came up to us when we got up from the bar to leave and she asked us if we were taken or not and would we like to meet her friends, and my bud said well he's free but I"m engaged and that we were leaving anyway etc..... we had a great talk at the bar, talked about his wedding coming up and job and people in the bar etc.. thought i caught some guys checking me out but you never know in okc, sometimes you just think you see someone you know. I'm terrible at picking up on guys interested seriously.
I was discussing with my parents today about my trip to NYC next weekend. And I thought about how really, just admitting to my family that I'm going to NYC alone, is one small step to coming out in a way, I mean know it really means nothing, but to me, it's like a big step to just admit I'm going up there alone to have fun all weekend. I can only wonder and imagine what they must be thinking, for example am I secretly meeting someone that I haven't mentioned ( Like I would have been doing if tampa bud would have come to meet me), or do they think I'm checking out gay bars, etc.. anyway I guess I fell suspicious in general going up there a single guy alone. maybe they don't suspect a thing, but I pretty much fell liek they must wonder jsut a little bit.
while jogging around the track this afternoon I even considered writing a letter this summer. If i do go to NYC and cape cod for july 4th weekend this ummer, I hate the idea of lying to my family about where I'll be or who with. I'm proud of my friend from awesome who has chosen to live completely sober. And he'll be perfect to ahng out with that weekend. So anyway, I just want to tell the truth if and when the time comes. My parents know he's gay and just a friend from OKC that I've kept in touch with and discuss my faith with etc... But it would be ridiculous to tel lthem I'm going to cape cod for the weekend July 4th ( which is when my sis always throws a big family pool party each year) with my friend from Austin without some sort of letter explaining my situation. Even if It's not a coming out letter, it would be a letter explaing that I have not come out for al lthe reasons why I haven't and then something about the weekend just being time away at a vacation house and relaxing on the beach.
So i was just surprised that I would even consider it, it was pretty scary even imagining what I'd say to them and how they'd react. I imagined myslef right away saying something in the letter along the lines of " you must never discuss this with me" and then I imagined how angry I would be if they ever brought it up or asked me about it. that's so ridiculous. obviously I'm not ready, but just the consideration was a hint of some move needed this year.
I don't know maybe I'll have to fall head over heels for someone before I'm really ready to come out with out kicking and dragging and screaming. ha. jsut some thoughts.
good weekend to all. I'm choosing what to pack all weekend and buying a small travel umbrella and going to research more on what I should do next weekend in NYC.