Merry Christmas everyone

so be honest, how many of you state side readers watched "sound of music" on ABC last night? huh? yeah I did. I was waiting for a buddy to come by last night who is in town from Austin (the one I went to visit a few times last summer) . He is in recovery so we did not go out to the gay bars or anything but stayed in and watched saturday night live. although as soon as he left, at 12, I was out the door to this one bar called "Copa" because of this guy I met last Friday who said he'd be out there last night, and he was.......:). Christmas break and spring break are the two times I am most likely to go to a gay bar here in OKC. although I may stop in now and then during the summer randomly, its always the same guys not really my type out there. And its not just a masculine thing, its the whole lifestyle. I know it's not everyone but for example, last night some hot tall guy came up to me and invited me to a "sex party" whatever that is... I've heard and seen that sort of thing going on in bigger cities on line, but OKC? come on. It's only a hot fantasy when the guys are all hot and ANONYMOUS. that ain't going to happen in OKC. he he.
no way would I show up to some place where I'd have to see al lthe guys out at some bar during the following year etc... (and of course I'd NEVER do such a thing anyway.... well... hmmm nah j/k)
It was a good night to check out the okc scene last night because of people in and out of town, lots of new faces to smile at etc..
anyway I'm posting tonight because it's Christmas Eve and as a single closet dude I am alone as usual, no gf or bf, and all the family are with their spouses and kids etc.. so I'm left alone in limbo until the family all get together tomorrow after lunch during the afternoon as we gather and then have a big dinner together and gifts after dinner. I have a gift for all my sisters, brother, sister in law, and parents and aunt. the most fun is in giving and seeing the gift hit just right.

I know I'm not the only one who is alone tonight is why I'm posting this. Probably some married guys or bored confused guys online who are so used to checking porn at night, they sneaked away to check out stuff online or are done with the day and spending some alone time online etcc. also prolly lots of other gay closet or wondering type guys who are also left alone tonight, maybe stuck at their family's bored waiting for tomorrow. so just so you knwoI'm feeling the same here. This time of the year, and New year's and valentines day I guess are the times I feel most single. and it sucks 'cause I know I'd be an awesome second half for someone in a relationship, devoted and loyal and fun and entertaining etc etc. I have never felt suicidal in the least bit dealing with all these ideas and choices and conflicting beliefs, I'm way too optomistic, but I have to say it's my faith that keeps me looking forward to what's next in life or finding an "answer" or whatever. I feel sad to think the Christian world somehow has an effect when a guy comes out to himself and family and then decides he also no longer accepts Christianity of faith in God at all, since the bible his family or the "world" claims won't accept the gay.
I have not decided to pick and choose which parts of the bible I choose to follow and not follow. I am toying with ideas on how much of what Paul says in the new testament is culturally appropriate to his day and not ours. Perhaps the world today bases what is "un-Christian" too much on puritanical cultural norms and not based on what the bible actually says, or based on personal soul searching and study. I would hope that guys could be open minded to praying to God for answers first, as I have, and search the word first for what it says to them personally.

The one thing I liked about "Latter Days" is that is showed a guy who realized he was gay, but still had some chosen principals about loving a guy, relating to a guy, before just sleeping around with dudes in general. the movie criticises the heck out of his family's reactions to him coming out and the awful way the react. But it also criticizes the gay guy's lifestyle in a way trying to show how empty all the one night stands are and how little respect the closet dude has for him.

I know that if I ever did choose to pursue a relationship with a man, I would somehow have the same expectations of not just being monogamous, but not looking at porn either. Just as displeasing as I think it would be for a straight couple when one is hooked on porn, I'd expect the same with a guy. The movie latter days was also a sort of fantasy for what everyone wants, that fall in love first connection, then the monogamous relationship. And they do last for real out there in the real world but not really as common or happy ever after as you'd think. And I had to sort of think in terms of reality about what happens after the movie, does the guys turn his back on his mormon faith, become a drinker? a promiscuous cocksucker? start clubbing or tag teaming with his true love after they've dated forever, I mean 3 years or so?

I've decided this weekend that I'm still in love, of sorts maybe, with my first male crush from college. the marine in Utah now. something about the way I felt when we were in the room together or the car together or getting dressed, undressed, skinny dipping in the lake on his property in Wisconsin that one summer, sleeping over when I lived off campus during college, hanging out with other people, joking around, arguing, wrestling, pissing each other off, subtly flirting or the mind games he's do on me.. anyway, he's divorced now and I really just always wonder. the guy had all the same Christian ideals as me in college and I know he had a hard time dealing with gay stuff, and believe me he's definitely gay. I wish he lived closer so we could hang out and then this time I'd take it the next step and the next when we got into a situation with some physical potential. well enough blogging for now, you can see I got a lot of time for this tonight.

Merry Christmas, JP good luck getting through the night at work. to the guy in norman- so COOL someone local read my blog, (audiophile I owe you an email, sorry) and mike in CA- heck yeah lot in common huh, email me. My austin bud gave me a CD last night of "Spring Awakening" musical, it's pretty good, I"ve been listening to it while typing but I think I'll change back to Christmas music and go wrap some more packages. good night to all.