Tuesday thoughts

I was falling asleep last night thinking how I get real bored of being single sometimes and wish I had a wife or buddy to fall asleep next to. But in my situation I'm not exactly searching out either one very aggressively. I did admit to myself last night that there is one guy I would truly be comfortable sleeping with and living with and screwing aroundwith. It is the guy I mentioned before from college. He used to stay over a lot in college and we had some occasions and sometimes he sort of played mind games with my head, and my loyalty etc... anyway, he was messed up himself I can see now, dealing with his homosexual feelings. He even told me he was gay once, like the last time he stayed over and then was going home leaving school, it was so damn late in the middle of the night that I pretty much just fell asleep without any discussion of what he said. He's divorced now and still serving in the Marines. I wonder sometimes if he's more calm and stable these days and of course.... all the what ifs.... anyway, all I'm saying is thats the one guy I can think of actually being comfrotable with for full-out sex. (which btw I have yet to ever participate much in with other dudes) For any married guys reading this, I'm telling you the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. There are times when I wish I was married with kids and even if it meant going through the motions and denying any action with dudes, somehow I think all the companionship could be worth it. I know there are a lot of guys out there who had the worst years of their lives being married and are now so much happier getting to live their gay lives. I had a gym buddy who divorced and moved to Dallas. His ex and 3 kids moved down there also. I've noticed that for him, he couldn't wait to get out there and sleep around as much as possible but eventually, now he only wants to date a regular ONE boyfriend. Maybe there is something about being married that makes him see the value in sticking with just one "mate". I guess sometimes I wish I would have had the kids first. Also sometimes I feel like maybe I'm living backwards and am getting all my wild days of messing around out of my system and then I can settle down. ahhhh I don't know, these are just thoughts, I know I'm not the only one who considers those things. And guys, no reason to preach at me and say just be myself and be gay. I am myself, I'm right here in the middle for now. its ok....( I've mentioned before my faith defines who I am more than my sexuality etc....eventually I will come to terms with both)