I'm having trouble deciding exactly what I want to do about the SCU college guy. he's emailed twice this week, today's email says he wants to hang out tonight or tomorrow night. so I could call him when I get home from work tonight or wait til he calls me....
But I'm stuck, I am conflicted between getting into some sort of gay relationship and my Christian faith --- continuing my daily walk with God, reading the bible and prayer daily... I cannot seem to do both. I feel like I'm a split personality, following my faith one moment and then considering the SCU guy or checking out guys on this computer toybox the next. I realize he's closeted like me, but starting a friendship which probably would be physical, and yeah, provide some release for both of us at some point or another, does not fit in with the philosophy of how I want live my life. When I do mess around with guys, or get away for a gay weekend with gay friends, I count it as a few sinful moments, and really just try to live my life serving others with goals in life that are set to serve God, serve others, and not serve myself. To be honest, I consider these things each year about this time as the summer ends and the new school year begins. The usual big bad gay party-it-up weekend on labor day weekend, and then back to OKC, the new school year and focusing on Christianity in my life, that my faith would make me stand out from others, not that I'm gay or not gay etc...
but yeah, when I go home tonight I will stay offline in case he calls. and if he does come over to hang out, I will enjoy every bit of it, but I won't make a single move, he'll have to.
(this was hard to write down, please no rants on Christianity or theology or what's sin or not, I'm sure I'm not the only man with these thoughts and conflicts in life.)
another thought, if you've heard the defying gravity song, and how "everyone deserves a chance to fly", I kind of want to cry when I hear that, somehow I feel like I"ve missed my chance and should now just follow the laws of gravity, if that makes any sense....
10 comments:
Man, you are really fucked. Religion is the opiate of the masses (after professional sports, of course). I'm not saying you have to be a slut but you can't deny who and what you are because of religion. It just ain't true, dude.
hey dan,
i've been checking your blog out every now and then and sometimes it makes me sad to hear how conflicted you are about your sexual identity, particularly because much of that conflict has to do with your perception of your religious obligations. i guess your situation really strikes a chord in me because i too was in a similar situation when i was a teenager and figured out that i was gay. unlike you, i came out right then and there, and was promptly kicked out of my very religious family's home. it was many years before i spoke to either of my parents, and when i asked my dad what had happened to change his mind, he said the most incredible thing to me. he said, "if i'm serious when i say i believe in an omnipotent god who is incapable of making mistakes in his creation, how can i believe that the fact that you're gay is a mistake? all of this time i'd thought that you being gay was a test that you had to pass, but eventually i realized that you being gay was a test for me, a test of my faith and my love." i cried, he cried, and our relationship has been pretty peachy ever since.
i guess my point is that only you can decide whether or not your religious beliefs are going to determine your behavior, but your orientation, your desires, are all already set. and if you're serious about your beliefs, you're almost forced to believe that you are exactly who and what god made you. which is not to say that because you find men attractive, you're obliged to morph into a big, screaming, nelly queen (not that there's anything wrong with that), only that you have the power to determine how you're going to present your same-sex desires in your world. no one else has any right to demand that you conform to their idea of who and what you are. if you're a man with same-sex desires who likes church, football, chopping wood, and doing keg stands, more power to you. there are many like you, happily and fully living out their lives to the best of their abilities, fully believing that god loves them exactly as they are.
if i were you, i'd get together with the christian college guy and see what there could be. at the very least you'll gain a comrade-in-arms, someone with whom you can share your inner conflicts about your religious beliefs and your same-sex desires, someone who won't just bitchily tell you to "get over it mary." of all of the potential friends/hookups you've written about, this one seems the most promising in all of the ways that matter. you seem to share core values -- masculinity, discretion, christianity -- what's not to like about this guy? and maybe that's what scaring you. for all you know, he's thinking exactly the same things you are, feeling exactly the same conflicts -- should i meet him? what will happen if we hit it off?? what will that MEAN? i say go for it, hang out with him, and don't let your genuine religious beliefs be an obstacle to your continuing evolution. don't let your fear keep you isolated and alone. there's no need for that any longer. some really nelly, screaming queens took care of that for us back in the 60's.
i guess the question i really want to ask is: don't you trust yourself enough to know that who you are isn't likely to change regardless of who you happen to love? are you any less likely to want to live a life of service if you go out with christian college guy? if you date him, have sex with him? if you think it's likely then perhaps you ought to reassess how much those beliefs really mean to you. i mean, if they're that weak that they'd be shaken by christian college guy, perhaps they're not as central to your self-definition as you'd like to think. one of my best friends is a devout christian, a deacon in fact, and lives one of the most morally upright lives of anyone i know, gay, straight, or indifferent. he has a long-term partner, he volunteers, he's active about lgbt rights, dresses in drag for pride, visits his infant niece in the south, and goes to church twice a week. what i'm saying is that there really need not be a conflict unless you allow there to be one. that power is in your hands, not in anyone else's. you have as much of a right to a deep, life-shaping relationship with god as anyone else alive. some would even say that it's your birthright. you don't have to choose -- you can have both. god is that generous. you just have to believe it.
good luck my friend. i'll be praying for you.
sigh. didn't know your conflicts were so much to do with your religion. this whole sin stuff really doesn't make sense to me. I mean, I'm not a religious guy. I did go to church al my life but religion for me was never about guilt and sin -- religion to me is about love, inclusion, support and comfort. so I never understand al lthe guilt people have about sex. as though anything that doesn't hurt another person is by some objective measure "wrong" or "sinful." I'm bummed that this stuff tears you up b/c clearly your faith means a lot to you. but it sounds like it's a pretty negative force in your life actually -- as far as holding you back, keeping you from self-fulfilling, etc. would god want that? would god give us desires if we weren't meant to act on them to some degree? is homosexuality somehow less moral by definition than heterosexuality even though god made you that way? for me, the answer to all of these questions is no. anyway, sorry to go off even though you sort of asked us not to. this whole blog thing is a two way st. after all :)
Dont deny who you are just for a religion. If there is a God then he certainly does not want you to spend your life unhappy. Be true to yourself and you will be true to your religion. But your happiness is vastly more important.
Dude...your story is basically the same as mine. We definitely need to start e-mailing each other.
Dan - it is great to see you open up a bit. I had no idea that your were that religious, and as I am not, I do respect others faith. I do not think you should live in shame and hate of yourself, as you are not a bad person, sex is natural - and your attraction to whomever is your own.
Just have this kid over and see what happens - I am not saying you guys should have sex or whatever, but you seemed to comfortable with him before, and you should explore that opportunity. Denying yourself - only perpetuates the frustration you feel.
You would obviously like to make steps forward and not in place. Do what you feel is right, not what you are told. I am not sure if that helps, but I do want to see you reach comfort with yourself...
Dan, Dan, Dan the Man!
Stop listening to the garbage put out by the religious right and research your Bible properly. Go back and find out what the original hebrew and greek says, put it in context with the verse around it and in a historical context.
Outside of prostitution, promiscuity, rape etc., the Bible says nothing bad about homosexuality. In fact, it say nothing about committed same sex relationships at all! (except for Leveticus, but if you know your Bible, you know if we listened to Leveticus, 99% of people would have been stoned to death by now).
There's much more in the Bible to justify slavery and inequality for women than there is about homosexuality being a sin. Just dig deep enough to open your eyes.
I'm not saying it's a bad book, quite the opposite. You have to read the *spirit* of what's in the Bible, not just the (badly translated) words.
Dan, there are Christians who affirm gays as God's children and you might find it possible to be both gay and Christian inside such a place. The Episcopal church is the most public mainstream group to welcome gays and lesbians. Don't give up on God, but you don't have to feel sinful either. Try looking for Christians who accept you as you are.
god made you who you are, and that is a gay man. Ask any straight guy when he chose to be straight. We didn't choose to be gay. We just are. You can be gay and Christian, so don't worry about it.
God made you gay and Christ said not a thing against homosexuality, so I'm not understanding.
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