Friday, December 29, 2006
update on the guy i met a couple weekends ago. he slept over twice this week, but it's really hard considering the word "boyfriend" and he is OUT and everything and i am not so I am afraid he's sort of my boyfriend during break only and when I get back to my work routine when school starts back up I'll be less likely to call him or have him over etc.... anyway, we'll see how it goes, I'm so messed up and most gay guys prolly don't want to mess with the closet dude type anyway, so whatever. I'm eating an egg omelet just now my bud here cooked up for us, he says it helps eating before bed and not feeling hung over the next morning, anyone ever hear of that before.?
good weeknd to all and I'll try to poast before the next new year. happy new year ohterwise!
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
tonight I"m chatting online with some guys in dallas. I am prolly going down there friday and saturday night to hang out with my divorced bud who is now living the single life. hoping to run into that guy i met at grapevine last time in town, no big deal really. Also my div. bud says there is a gym where a lot of sean cody guys work out, so I thought about trying to visit the gym! ha ha ha. nah prolly wont' do that but tempting.
Got a call from my best friend from college last night, inviting my up to spend the weekend with him jan 6,7... while his wife is out of town on business, some boys night out action and a lot of shopping he's real metrosexual, damn goodlooking dark haired younger guy with some cherokee blood in him, that translates to hot midwest looks, I'm telling ya...anyway he's my best friend and i was in his wedding, and JP's post sort of made me think I need to post one about him sometime.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
no way would I show up to some place where I'd have to see al lthe guys out at some bar during the following year etc... (and of course I'd NEVER do such a thing anyway.... well... hmmm nah j/k)
It was a good night to check out the okc scene last night because of people in and out of town, lots of new faces to smile at etc..
anyway I'm posting tonight because it's Christmas Eve and as a single closet dude I am alone as usual, no gf or bf, and all the family are with their spouses and kids etc.. so I'm left alone in limbo until the family all get together tomorrow after lunch during the afternoon as we gather and then have a big dinner together and gifts after dinner. I have a gift for all my sisters, brother, sister in law, and parents and aunt. the most fun is in giving and seeing the gift hit just right.
I know I'm not the only one who is alone tonight is why I'm posting this. Probably some married guys or bored confused guys online who are so used to checking porn at night, they sneaked away to check out stuff online or are done with the day and spending some alone time online etcc. also prolly lots of other gay closet or wondering type guys who are also left alone tonight, maybe stuck at their family's bored waiting for tomorrow. so just so you knwoI'm feeling the same here. This time of the year, and New year's and valentines day I guess are the times I feel most single. and it sucks 'cause I know I'd be an awesome second half for someone in a relationship, devoted and loyal and fun and entertaining etc etc. I have never felt suicidal in the least bit dealing with all these ideas and choices and conflicting beliefs, I'm way too optomistic, but I have to say it's my faith that keeps me looking forward to what's next in life or finding an "answer" or whatever. I feel sad to think the Christian world somehow has an effect when a guy comes out to himself and family and then decides he also no longer accepts Christianity of faith in God at all, since the bible his family or the "world" claims won't accept the gay.
I have not decided to pick and choose which parts of the bible I choose to follow and not follow. I am toying with ideas on how much of what Paul says in the new testament is culturally appropriate to his day and not ours. Perhaps the world today bases what is "un-Christian" too much on puritanical cultural norms and not based on what the bible actually says, or based on personal soul searching and study. I would hope that guys could be open minded to praying to God for answers first, as I have, and search the word first for what it says to them personally.
The one thing I liked about "Latter Days" is that is showed a guy who realized he was gay, but still had some chosen principals about loving a guy, relating to a guy, before just sleeping around with dudes in general. the movie criticises the heck out of his family's reactions to him coming out and the awful way the react. But it also criticizes the gay guy's lifestyle in a way trying to show how empty all the one night stands are and how little respect the closet dude has for him.
I know that if I ever did choose to pursue a relationship with a man, I would somehow have the same expectations of not just being monogamous, but not looking at porn either. Just as displeasing as I think it would be for a straight couple when one is hooked on porn, I'd expect the same with a guy. The movie latter days was also a sort of fantasy for what everyone wants, that fall in love first connection, then the monogamous relationship. And they do last for real out there in the real world but not really as common or happy ever after as you'd think. And I had to sort of think in terms of reality about what happens after the movie, does the guys turn his back on his mormon faith, become a drinker? a promiscuous cocksucker? start clubbing or tag teaming with his true love after they've dated forever, I mean 3 years or so?
I've decided this weekend that I'm still in love, of sorts maybe, with my first male crush from college. the marine in Utah now. something about the way I felt when we were in the room together or the car together or getting dressed, undressed, skinny dipping in the lake on his property in Wisconsin that one summer, sleeping over when I lived off campus during college, hanging out with other people, joking around, arguing, wrestling, pissing each other off, subtly flirting or the mind games he's do on me.. anyway, he's divorced now and I really just always wonder. the guy had all the same Christian ideals as me in college and I know he had a hard time dealing with gay stuff, and believe me he's definitely gay. I wish he lived closer so we could hang out and then this time I'd take it the next step and the next when we got into a situation with some physical potential. well enough blogging for now, you can see I got a lot of time for this tonight.
Merry Christmas, JP good luck getting through the night at work. to the guy in norman- so COOL someone local read my blog, (audiophile I owe you an email, sorry) and mike in CA- heck yeah lot in common huh, email me. My austin bud gave me a CD last night of "Spring Awakening" musical, it's pretty good, I"ve been listening to it while typing but I think I'll change back to Christmas music and go wrap some more packages. good night to all.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
anyway, today, oh man, there is this guy from Utah who I think maybe just moved here, and I think he's married, of maybe it was just a ring on the right hand, and I forget which hand is the married hand. anyway, I have this thing about guys from other places that sort of fit the bill. for example this guy is blong blond, i mean like his pubes and beard were that sort of orange darker blond color. man he was tall in shape, and sort of checking me out, and getting half a woody while showering across from me... well i was showering up before my swim and after my swim he's getting all dressed up and happens to be a few down from my locker so I'm drying off and facing him as much as possible trying not to lose control of my piece, and eventulally I begin some small talk about the swim, and he says he prefers outdoor swimming or actually skinny dipping.. (uh huh...message recieved), and then I get my jeans on and he's finishing up buttoning up his nice blue dress shirt, looking sharp in some grey flannel or wool maybe? pants. must be some business type guy downtown I am hoping, he extends his hand and introduces himself and saying see you again soon i hope...jsut the excitement I needed to get my 2 week break started RIGHT!
this ad on craigslist was pretty cool, hot guy and doesn't it make you wonder what all fun could be had with so many guys stuck in that airport... he he.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
I need to post about last FRiday night. I was at home enjoyng being at home for a change and by 10pm had the house clean and laundry and felt relaxed and even though I never go to bars much and especially not on a friday night here in okc... I called my one gay friend here in town and said, hey let's go get a beer. ( i needed to catch up with since it'd been a couple months since we last went out) well wouldnt' you know, it's always the random nights when you go out not even wanting or looking to hook up with a dude, and bam! we left the club around 12am, and I took a drive around the bars before going home because I had spoken with this one sort big muscle guy I knew from a year ago at the bar... well anyway, I didn't see him but there was this other hot dude in a knit hat and a thinline beard and dark eyebrows and eveil grin, and we caught each other's eye as I'm pulling out of the place. I do a cirlcle and end up behind him, about a block later he pulls into this parking lot and I pull up beside him, we talk, etc, end up back at his place. he's a very cool masculine normal guy, ex navy, my age, he SAID he just got out of a 8 year relationship with a guy and was single etc etc... anyway, let's just say this guy was hot, had a huge schlong, it's rare I'm with guys bigger than me and this guy was just as big but super thick like 6 or more width, if anyone cares to hear that...
well dang we had some fun, he gave me his number but I'm all wondering should I call or not or what. either way we could have some fun again, or maybe just hang out and see what this guys' all about, but of course, it's not like I'm looking for a bf or anything...sucks I know.
Mery Christmas everyone btw. holidays can be tought for single guys like us sometimes. keep yourself busy and contact and hang with family if possible, i love christmas. all my family is coming over friday night for dinner. and yeah I'll have all the place decorated up and I'll be wondering, don't they know I'm gay. but then why should some one with crazy awesome decorating skillz be assumed gay anyway right? :) later.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
anyway the brother who I have no relationship with, surprise surprise, is getting gloves and I'll continue to try some conversations with him and he'll joke around and really not be intersted as usual. don't get me started.... his wife is getting agreat gift though and really they are both great to hang out with at holidays.
I am going to another single group gathering this weekend. everyone is meeting downtown to eat dinner together and then go down the "slide" at the baseball park. That means this huge slide to go down with intertubes, they build and it goes from the stands down to the field and with fake snow all over it. I will pass and go home after the more social eating out time. I am not sure how they can make it a very wintery experience with a high of 70 tomorrow here, hmmm.
and then saturday night is a progressive dinner but I'm not sold on it just yet, motly because its the same poeple from Friday night so why? also my coach buddy at school has invited me over to a party him and his wife are having and lets face it, the people I work with are more my friends at this point than the random singles group I've already most of those people...
I'm in very high spirits tonight. only one Friday left and then 3 days next week before I'm out of school (both day and night job) for two weeks!! ahhyeah...
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
my buds there. They were so glad to see me and completely blown away. It was awesome packing up, getting ready for a party, flying out there Saturday night and driving a rental and kocking on their door and just coming in and saying hey, I brought some cookies and beer for the party! then I got to mingle with all their friends at the pary, I'm telling you so many goodlooking couples at that party, damn. I spoke with this hot blond guy with hot blond gf most of the night. and his brother was this dark haired tall buff guy all clean cut, but with the usual phoenix twist of something different and cool, he had a chin beard that he'd grown out for a year and my eyes were going back and forth from his eyes, beard, storng shoulders in tight button up shirt with sleeves rolled up, back to eyes, then beard, etc.... dude was very cool and left party early with his gf or I would have been making his hand had a drink in it the rest of the night.
I keep pretty busy in okc and all my college buddies live out of town, so I was loving being around them again, a couple other college buddies were at the party who were from Arizona area. anyway I have to say I didn't get a gay vibe from one single hot guy at that party, but you know what I was sort of checking out the hot girlfriends and just sort of thinking how hot some couples probably were together.. he he
SUnday I shopped at Fashion square mall in Scottsdale. window shopping all the hot guys and gals walking aorund that mall more than anything. and then later was at the IKEA store of course, more Christmas shopping.... couldn't resist taking a pic of this display room there, very cool couch.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
I guess its summer for you all you aussie readers and then I know its still nice out on the west coast for any of you summer camp counselor types out there. I just wanted to mention the low here tonight is supposed to be 13 degrees!!! I'm so glad I got that nice goose-down (and cheap) comforter at IKEA last weekend. it's been SO NICE to sleep under all this week I love it. I have to be sure and remember to go start my pickup after breakfast tomorrow morning so its warmed up by the time I've had my grape-cranberry juice, pack my gym bag and get out the door. Jeans day tomorrow at work which is always cool, and a haircut after work so I'm good to go for the short trip to AZ saturday night. well I better go start that warm shower before I jump in bed and sleep through the winter freeze outside. It's the wind that really gets you though, a little thing that we take very seriously here in OKC, the WIND CHILL factor! he he
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
I got a good workout in yesterday, feeling it today. I've sort of reached a plateau in my workouts so I think after Christmas break I'll do a month of creatine to help me push the weight up some, and then go off and maintain the bigger weight. it worked last summer, I just know by spring break I can break 170 maybe get up to 175. I've also switched to more fruit and less sweets since october(thats abs talk)....etc.
After talking it up with that guy at the bar all night last weekend in dallas, I've decided that if I want to play with the big boys I've got to keep hitting the gym and get a little more big.. he he.. not really though it was motivating, too bad I didn't have enough balls to ask this guy over or something, he had definitely been drinking enough, me too, and we had been touching each other here and there while standing there drinking and all. The thing that I like the most is the fast I was in this smaller bar, actually able to just talk to a dude, and get to see what the personality is like, joke around and laugh some, it is just way better than a quick meet and greet and GO home from some pick up gay bar.... so to speak. I know I'll see this guy again so I'll have to wait and see what chances I may have again in the future.
I'm watching a woody allen movie tonight called "alice". i always liked this movie in college, now I think maybe it's because mia farrow looks a lot like my ex-girlfriend, or maybe she's just reminding me of her tonight. I do miss her a lot at times, but she ended it with me 2 years ago and sort of broke my heart, I felt like she was my last true chance of trying the straight narrow road of wife and kids, I mean we grew up together, she was my "first", and she knows me almost as well as my mom, all faults included....anyway my family and I have a rule where I don't correct their English and they don't bring up her name and it works PERFECTLY.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
well I was so exhausted from Phoenix I didn't want to work out mon or tuesday, and then wednesday just kept doing cardio, and then thurs and fri, snow and ice here in okc, and saturday i drove down to TX. you get the picture. so tomorrow I'm hitting it again.
I meant to start back today but I had to get a little mini-counseling session in at the school. RIght before I was about to skip out I saw this kid in the office waiting to speak to the principal. apparently the substitute sent him up there because he was laughing and then the sub tried to sit him in the corner and he refused to be put alone in the corner like that etc.... anyway, he's failing English but not because of language, just normal teenage stuff not wanting to write a report. I told him to always turn in something so you can get a 50 and not a zero which kills you average, the same ole yadda yadda. and then I said I would talk to his English teacher tomorrow. I get really protective of the minority kids at my school when it comes to behavior and grades, and I always have to be sure that the teacher is being sensitive to culture or language needs etc.that's what I'm trying to say in a nutshell anyway. As a teacher I know its hard sometimes to consider everyone's individual needs, or not even want to, so I feel like part of my job is to bring it up sometimes with the teachers. Also because the statistics are against latino males graduating high school or going to college, I always try to push push them to keep their grades up and aspire for that sort of stuff. Also I always mention how many jobs there are out there for bilinguals...
I have been emailing my friend in Dallas. he says I can come down the 15th but I think I'll wait til later in december, like maybe the weekend after Christmas. I'm inspirde to really hit the gym now for next time I'm in dallas and maybe run into that guy again at Grapevine, and if not, then heck plenty more to see down there I'm pretty sure of it.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
then walked down to where my buddy was finishing work by 11:15. we went from there to a place called "grapevine" what he calls his home away from home ( he's regular). man that place was awesome. it's not on the strip of gay bars, is one street over and small and crowded and cool with a mixed groovy crowd. we had some more beers "red stripe" and as i began feeling them I had a good ole talk on a bench by the pool table with my bud, then he introduced me to this other regular guy he knows in a tshirt and muscled up. i talked to him the rest of the evening just standing there in what my bud said was his usual spot. dude was effing cool and hot, we talked about working out and how he liked death metal music, which I was really cracking up about, and then some girl walked up and asked us if it was a gay bar. thing is the crowd is so mixed, it makes it a very fun cool place.
i had a girl flirting with me at one point wanting to see me move and dance. also antoher girl on the way to the bathroom was looking like she was talking to herself then grabbed me and said' wait what kind of place is this. and I was like yeah its mixed gay guys, and she said, and you? and I said yeah, and she ahh man, and your good looking too, but "I still love you anyway!" she was cute little blond, you have to love friendly drunk people.and this bar is pretty friendly for dallas, the usual gay scene has a lot of attitude. i actually hadn't been down to dallas in 5 years. but my bud has a SWEET place just a few blocks north of downtown, so future posts on future visits hopefully. my bud is on strict orders to report back on the guy, "s" that I talked to all night. neither one of us was able to make a move other than sort of touch a shoulder or pic or leg while chitchatting allnight. we jsut sort of said good bye when the lights came on for the bar to close at 2am. next time! ugh.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
I am also listening to a lot of CD's today and hope to eventually burn some CD's today to include with Christmas cards. most of my friends and family would never listen to some of the stuff I do but they always love my mix cds. I also want to send some stuff to the troops this year if I can get my butt into gear and do it. There is a website I've used before called anysoldier.com where you can send basic samll gift packages to soldiers, and I like to include sports and health magazines and mixed CD's although prolly the younger soldiers prefer more rap and hard rock to all my eclectic stuff, somebody randomly will enjoy it. I had my students write a few thank you letters a few years ago etc...
Did anyone catch the ridiculous non-news about Kelly Rippa and Clay Aiken about how she didn't like him joking on air and putting his hand on her mouth, she had said "I don't know where that hand has been, honey". and the next day Rosie Odonnel on the View said it was a homophobic comment, and the Kelly called in live and told her what a stupid statement that was and she was NOT homophobic just a germophobe in general. well its all on youtube if you even care. I jsut thought I'd comment to say I agree that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard that saying I don't know where that heand's been is homophobic. WAY too defensive, Rosie, sorry.
But it made me think how a lot of people walk around with a chip on their shoulder and are sensitive to the slightest thing, and this includes some gay guys I know--- for example if you mention marriage, suddenly it's a debate on gay marriage, or bring up sports and suddenly it's about who would be hot or not in bed. NOT EVERYONE, I'm just saying I know some guys that seem to need to have every conversation mention something about them being gay.
I know I have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to anyone getting cut down or insulted. I want to stick up for anyone different in any way when I hear any sort of ridicule or exclusion taking place. I know the defense comes from myslef as a kid and the fear I had of being different than everyone else. I grew up a pretty happy-go-lucky kid, and sometimes I (half-jokingly) wonder if I was lied to in some of the children television programs when I was told to be "free to be me, you or me" ,or Mr. Rogers saying "I like you just the way you are", I mean you can say it -- but maybe my mom and Mr. Rogers are the only ones that really mean it. One thing I like as a teacher and as an adult is the confidence to voice my opinion immediately without the fear of someone thinking I'm gay just because I'm defending someone or idea or right. I know in college I was more afraid of being assumed gay if I spoke up on any gay issue. Now I feel like I can usually say what the heck I want to and why should anyone assume I'm gay or not. Hopefully someone will question whether I am a Christian or not first by what I speak, and the sexuality thing, well none of their business anyway. I guess you can probably imagine that in a Christian crowd of friends and family, I have opportunity to question others why they believe this or that. For example not assuming everything one political party is doing is the for-sure Christian or anti-Christian way. People want to blindly follow an opinion or view without researching why they believe/agree or not THEMSELVES. I think the most confusion among Christians is trying to make the Law a Christian law. That's the old testament. the past. That's trying to take the easy way out, trying to make the law keep everyone accountable to living a "Christian" life, when really they should be setting an example of love to non-Christians and encouraging one another so that by example others can also believe in Christianity if they are led to do so. In which case they hold themselves and each other(Christians only) accountable according to God's word. I suppose it's hard to draw a clear line. After all we do need basic moral law, but then where does right and wrong come from for most people it must begin from some religious belief...
I found this interesting post at Lettrist.blogspot about how a newcomer to the "bible belt" of Oklahoma who thinks Christianity is sort of forced upon everyone. It's true what he says about downtown, for this whole month two of the skyscrapers will have crosses on every side of the building at night, made by certain office windows left on to form a cross. I sort of like that during Christmas time, obviously, and it's the right of the owners of those buildings to do so. ( I couldn't have been more moved in fact when they were turned on every night after the OKC bombing, seeing them in April was just out of sorts and reflected what the city was feeling) I hope people don't think it's completely an anti-gay place, I consider OKC more of just a place with a very religious history and culture, and it IS changing. I would harldy call it much of a bible belt now with the laws passed by Governor Henry legalizing all the casinos. (I think we are also one of the fattest states, the most smokers, and the most divorces) The anti-gay views are too easily connected to people's faith, when really most Christains are ok with ALL KINDS of sin, only the gay issues seem to really bother them. Just consider how much sinful sex was taking place on Cheers, Friends, and Seinfield on tv for years. People loved those shows but were so quick to show contempt for any gay tv show. stupid. I wish that most people can see the over-all friendliness of people here in OKC not just the judgemental political views , those views are everywhere really.